Everything Looks Perfect From Far Away (Part 2)

2008-08-31T18:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. Ok, it's really been more than a while. Possibly a year. While it's been a year since I have posted, there have been times that I have felt the need to write. I just haven't. I lost myself this year. Sometimes losing yourself is a great thing. To immerse yourself in something fully to the point that you see it for all its worth is an amazing experience. HOWEVER there are limits, and lines to engulfing yourself completely in something. The consequence:blindness, the inability to think or act clearly. I have been in that state for quite some time. I have been waiting for something that I know deep down will never come. I have lost piece by piece parts of myself. The cost of waiting. A cost that in small amounts seems like a bargin. As a whole, however, the price is not worth the benefit. ITs high time to once again reassess, find new hobbies, become myself again. BE PRODUCTIVE.

3 does not mean 5

2007-11-22T18:58:00.000-08:00

Ok so I guess I should read my own rules prior to writing. TO be honnest, coing up with 3 significiant events for 1984 was rather difficult, as I was too young at that point to remember much of anything. Comming up with 5 events would have been hard task at best. If I remember anything else from the year I was 3, I wil complete the list. For now.. On to the next writing mission.

"List 100 of your favorite things."

1. Bacon

2. the smell of tennis ball containers

3. Pictures/photography

4. Shoe laces

5. Punctuation

6. My Little Ponies

7. Cerial cartoons (Tony the Tiger, Tucan Sam etc.)

8. Blue

9. The word "conumdrum"

10. Patterned socks

11. Soundtracks to movies.

12. Trucks

13. The number 5

14. Mini eggs

15. Cow emergancy boxes

16. Garden State

17. Road trips

18. Secret thinking spots

19. The rain.

20. Driving wihtout using windshield wipers

21. Doing cores on the golf course.

22. Comming home.

23. The moment right after the rain stops.

24. Being the "dashboard drumer"

25. Forts made out of bed sheets

26. Shirly Temples

27. The Traveling Willburrys (spelling?)

28. Daisys

29. Things I hate.

30. Shooting stars

31. Pinkey swears

32. Slipn' Slide

33. The Blue Jays

34. My Clemson hoodie

35. Pop Rocks

36. Newport Beach not California.

37. The Royal Winter Fair

38. Smog (when paired with creme egg flurries, and Easter)

39. The Polar Bear Dip

40. Roy Orbison's "You Got It"

41. Grade 2

42. Word Play

43. Pumpkin Pie Blizzards for breakfast

44. Furry boots.

45. 5 cent candies

46. recently lit matches/ cigars

47. Monopoly

48. Tag

49. Sitting in a room you just cleaned.

50. Thunderstorms

51. Smart cookies

52. Wheres Waldo

53. Polka-dots

54. READING the news

55. Douglas Coupland

56. "The Adventures of Megan and Sixth Sence" comic book

57. Black and White

58. Being underneath a light Christmas Tree

59. Clearly my family

60. The possibility of change

61. The comfort of old friends

62. Donkey gloves

63. The Chipmunks Adventure

64. My inability to navagate

65. The "J Craft"

66. Bubbles in my car.

67. Sleeping bags

68. Red Powerade

69. Today's Special

70. Cheap (Baby Duck) Champagne

71. Post-it notes

72. Over sized Towels

73. Flip flops

74. People who dont use/carry a purse

75. Pockets

76. Coloured ink/smelly markers

77. Pond hockey

78. Early morning practices

79. Home made cards

80. Roll up the rim to win/ monopoly at McD's

81. Flavoured coffee

82. Rocks

83. Running

84. Chasing elk

85. Timothy Findley

86. Christmas trees in july

87. Rope Swings

88. Kinder Egg trips

89. square roots

90. the airport

91. Treasure hunts in the form of golf balls

92. (this is hard by the way) Things that challenge you

93. Forgotten fav songs/memories etc

94. My 1999 year book

95. pony pj's

96. Gifts from my father

97. windows

98. Cold water

99. light dimmers

100. Board Shorts

Sometimes you Just Have to Make the Word Up.

2007-11-21T21:38:00.000-08:00

The title has no clever attachment to what I am going to write below. IT was simply sparked by a desperate attempt (on my part) to find an adjective to describe a certain event that occured today. Sometimes, it's not a limited vocabulary on the speaker's part, but instead; a lack of case specific words within the english vocabulary. Porobably, more accuratly, it's my lack of an extensive vocabulary. I blame my grade school teachers for this. OK really I blame myself for not having the foresight in regards to the need for multiple words for the same thing. Well the same, and yet ever so slightly different thing. RANDOM FACT SPARKED BY THIS THOUGHT: Every language strives to extend ones options in regards to speach, except for one: NEWSPEAK. This vocabulary was formed with the intention to simplify, and shrink the language. Know who created it? (you get a prize if you do) George Orwell (in 1984). You learn a new thing every day. This can be your new thing; unless (of course) you won the prize mentioned above.

Assignment of the day:
List five important things in your 1984. These are things that had a major impact on you during the year 1984. They can be personal, political, cultural, animal or whatever. Each important event should be summarized in one sentence.

1. I was introduced to the toy which would essentially monopolize my toy selection for years to come: My Little Pony.
2. I lost my "only child" status.
3. My first real attempt to formally learn to read was discouraged by my preschool teacher, sparking a revolt in regards to reading for years to come.

I'm going to try to do a thought prevoking activity every day in an attempt to keep my mind active. Here's to the hopes that it actually works, and that I actually follow thru.

faulty forgiveness

2007-11-19T22:42:00.000-08:00

Today was long and boaring. When I say boaring, I mean the mind numingly, slam your head against a wall, stupid insignificant actions become significiant kind of boardom. I do believe it (the boardom) was self inflicted. I have allowed (more specifically held) myself at a stagnant point (subconciously) to force an issue to be addressed. What do you do when you get along with everyone, but no one seems to get along? I live my life in the grey. I live my life in a world where to forgive may not be to forget, but it is positively a potential. Why then, can those I have chosen to forgive not do the same to others? Is a world of black and white really that great? Does this world without shade really offer such benifits, that it's worthwhile to refrain exploring any other palate? Granted self preservation is a priority, and past behaviour a predictor of future actions. BUT don't people pride themselves, and often pat themselves on the back for their ability to learn (and therefore change) from experience. It's this action (with others of course) that sets us appart. Isn't it also somewhat arrogant to refrain from allowing appologies? BECAUSE what happens when you are the one offering the appology... What then? You'd better hope that their principles regarding such remorse are not the same as your own. AND let's face it, at some point in time (most likely many times) you are going to commit some act that requires compassion...

(SO to the person who sparked this thought .. but who will never see this... I ask you, for gosh darn sake.. FORGIVE already. I'm not asking you to forget, just get over your own insecurities, your own hang ups and look into a world with multiple shades of grey.... OTHERWISE, I may just have to re-evaluate my own stance in regards to my decision to offer you clemency. IT would stink to have your freindship dissapear. Forgiveness, you see made this friendship continue to be a possibility.)

argh. silly girls.

2007-10-02T19:48:00.000-07:00

This was my summer. With slight (regretable) interuptions. But I LEARNED... And as long as you learn, it is all worth while.... ACTIVE is a constant that I hope to keep.. DISTRACTED is an interuption I would like to avoide.

2007-10-02T19:19:00.000-07:00

I think it's rare to find someone who is truly (and consistantly) content with being themselves. Far too often, people try (with extreme desperation) to distance themselves from the norm. The problem with this (other than the fact that that this desired distance is in fact the norm) is that they present to the world, a product that is essentially fake, false, untrue. In short, a carefully created facade. Thus, comes the question: Is it better to not be yourself, and expand in ways that are eye catching and unique in all outward ways (rooted by a very common, and trendy desire to be captivating ) but essentailly untrue. .. Or, on the other hand, is it preferable to be yourself, even if the product presented to the world is normal, common and less flashy. I would like to say that through my entire life I have been content with being myself. THAT I have found the ground that everyone searches for, that I am one of the lucky ones that gets to go against the norm naturally by being themselves... In some cases, this statement is true. In others, it is most certainly not. Consistancy is not human. I can tell you this (however), the times I have been happiest, and most content, have been the times in which the person I have presented to the world has been nothing more and nothing less than myself, and this presentation of myself has been made for absoulty no one.. Seems odd, that the happiest state, is also the easiest to project. The majority of people who constantly stand out in crowds are illusions.... and the rare people who are not, are the ones whom we so desperatly want to be.

On another note... It recently occured to me, that while I enjoy a good book in its entierity (spelling) it is the last sentence in a book that can take it from good to great. The funny thing about this statement (at least to me) is that the sentence does not have to be pivitol in any way.... It simply has to have the ability to make you step back, smile and have the content filled "ahhh" feeling. I always read the last sentence of a book first. It is a rare occatiton that the absolute last sentence gives any secrets about the book away, and thus its not damaging to the book's plot in any way. Why then do I do this??? Simply put... By reading the last sentence first (and thus, not understanding it, or its relivance) it allows me to enjoy the sentence all the more upon arrival at the end of the book.. Put simply, it creates the feeling that a riddle has been solved, placing a significant amount of feeling and understanding in the absolute final moments of the book.. Added dramatic effect at its fullest....

Dark Blue.

2007-07-11T21:32:00.001-07:00

Information. It comes in various forms. To some it is thought to be a right, to others it is a privledge. To me it's a circumstantial term. Sure some information is common knowledge, provided to everyone and anyone who chooose to stumble accross it. Other information, however, is private, and therefore held close and shared with only those who deserve it. Random life detailes are where the line between commonly shared information, and privledged information becomes blurred. Techonology, only helps to smear this already hard to see line. When then, does someone gain the right to know life's random detailes? Better yet, when does someone lose this privledge? I have now deleted "A" from my facebook (consistant life informaiton feed) three times. According to reactions to such matters, the retraction of this constant flow of random personal information implies that, the friendship has also ceased to exist. Personally, I believe that the two are not mutually exclusive, and can survive without the other. Why then retract this information? To put it simply, life's details are private, and only earned by the public, through time earned trust, or (the polar opposite) the lack of any real connection or relationship with the other person. It's easy to give people who you do not know (except in the form of fast freinds or aquaintances) personal details.

2007-06-16T22:22:00.000-07:00

You find your moments. Experiences are a constantly available product. I use the term product on purpose. Experiences are a creation. You make them, or you avoide them. I am inconsistant and random in my actions these days, but, one constant has been my desire for experience. I am open to anything, and will try everything. In a place that has so much to offer, few people actually create, what they have the potential to experience. I recently was presented with the option to withdraw from my irratic life filled with random adventures in return for a secure, stable and reliable relationship. I chose to stay on course. I am not sure if I made the decision on terms that were valid, but, the decision was the right one. To hell with the reasons for my decision.

2007-06-16T00:10:00.000-07:00

1:16. Not in the afternoon. A "good luck" banner hangs to my left. Luck has nothing to do with anything. Ok, most things. Sure, some things are lucky, like winning the lottery, or having the perfect weather on your wedding day. You cannot rely on luck, however. It is pointless. What you want never happens, and what you don't expect, always does. Let your guard down for two seconds, and the world is completley different. Keep your guard up, and life becomes boaring. Life ends up getting shut out, when one becomes overly protective and conservative. Where then, is the balance? I embrace so much activity, and yet seem to be scared of productivity. I am one of the most active people I know, and yet, also one of the least progressive. Sure, I have all of my plans made, and all of the required allowances made to provide for a successful future. I however, avoide under all circumstances taking this step. I think I'm scared to take the step alone. I feel like Im in a room filled with people, and alone in the same instance.

Lines

2007-03-29T10:50:00.000-07:00

Lines. People make them every day. I make them more consistantly and freequently then most. Some lines I make purley to make crossing them all the more exciting. Other lines, the most important ones, are made with the idea that they will prevent me from getting hurt, and more importantly from having to deal with the pool of emotions and thoughts that accompany regret. The thing is, by making these lines, and following these rules, life becomes relitivly safe. This is not to say that there isnt value in safety ( because there obviously is). After 25 years of good, well thought out decisions, and respecting all the lines I set up and the different specifications and requirements that accompanied them, I decided it was time. Time to not only cross a line (that was not set up for comming close to, let alone crossing). I crossed this line, at a sprint with my eyes wide open, arms flailing, knowing that it could possibly be the worst decision I had made in quite some time. The results? Yup it was a bad decision. It was reckless. It ended up as I had predicted: poorly. I didn't do it for the consquences of the act. I did it, to feel the consequences, to experience what I have been "missing out on" for 25 years. I did it to test myself, and to see if all this effort I have put into lines has been worthwhile. My conclusion: These lines are useful. These lines are part of who I am, and they're there for a reason. I like my lines, and in general I respect them. I put a lot of thought into my lines, and I like being the neardy cautious one. I also think that it's important to crash through them on occation. Makes you appriciate everything all the more, and brings a bit of change to something that seems constant. The pic: is me driving my car thru a huge puddle on a sketchy mountain road. Its a line I set up with the purpose to cross, and which lead to me clapping my hads like a 5 year old, filled with excitment and "lets do it again" feelings.

2007-03-05T22:10:00.000-08:00

The only 25 year old amoungst throngs of children 7 and under

Simplicity is complicated. More specifically, achieving simplicity is complicated. I think truthfully, you can only find it in a moment, or if you're lucky a day. Nothing stays the same, and that is both a blessing and a curse at the same exact time. It's reassuring to know, that things change; that bad things can get better, and that the excitment that comes with new experiences is possible. In the same breath though (I should actually say thought) I would also say that while I love the possibility of change, I cringe at the fact that change is enevitable. It seems like I work away (in much the same way that a squirrel does in the summer when it hides its nuts) and finally when I think that I have everything perfectly set up, and picture perfect, it all comes crashing down. My nuts become lost, and once again, I must start looking for new nuts to hide, in hopes that this time I will remember where they are hidden. I'm getting better with this knowledge. I don't freek out when things don't happen like they were intended. I don't remember having this feeling at 7. I think at 7 I loved and 100% embraced every change. NOthing was scarry, and everything was exciting. I'm happy right now, and yet I'm uneasy. Slowly I'm loosing the simplicity, that I spent all winter creating. Here's to hoping that I remember where I hid at least one or two of my nuts!

2007-03-04T00:44:00.000-08:00

Moving on, moving out, moving west.. This is, and has been my new "home" for the past 6 months. It will hopefully be my now not so new home for the next while.

8 months later...

2007-03-04T00:26:00.000-08:00

So it's been a little while since I last posted (the exageration of the century). Here's the coles notes on whats gone on:
1) I have forgotten how to blog. As embarassing as it is to admit, it took me a good 5 minutes to learn how to post on my own site. 5 minutes is a long time, when the same action previously took under 5 seconds. Regression in the blogging world.
2) I have made a geograhpic change. I now reside in Alberta, as opposed to Ontario. I came significantly close to returning to Ontario. It's funny how the same thing that made me want to return, also played a hand in my decision to stay. *That is a post all in it's own tho*
3) My future (and also much more permanent) career choice has remained the same.
4) I have become a snowboarding bum, and frequent the hills at a minimum of 3 times a week. It took a trip home to Ontario to help me reach this state of appriciation for the athletic endevors that surround me.
5) In the short time that I've been here, I've made closer, and much more selfless friends then I've made in Ontario for the past 25 years. There are exceptions to this of course, as no one will come close to my best friends who can and hopefully will never be replaced. This is also anothe rpost worthy topic.
6) I have recently learnt that Kelly is always right. Especially, but not limited to a certain person/situation.. Took me 25 years and a few mistakes to learn it.. BUT I finally did. No one deserves to be treated and accomidated as a best friend, when you are not held in the same regard. In the same sence, it's not what you get out of a friendship, it's what you give. Figgure that one out.

2006-07-08T10:05:00.000-07:00

Nat and I broke into the sparklers.. notice nat's concentration on the circle!

2006-07-08T09:59:00.000-07:00

I got to ski again.. Oh how I love the feeling of everything involved in skiing.... The whole process is such a release.. even the falls are fun!

2006-07-08T09:58:00.000-07:00

Nat and I found hats in the cottage, that will be used to their full capacity when the RSP crew comes up for their annual visit...

2006-07-08T09:57:00.000-07:00

Nat and I took pictures on the dock while suntanning.. I put this up, because I mentioned earlier that the life was escaping from my eyes... That I felt as if they were dead... The life is comming back, slowly but shurely.. This picture froves that.. It's still not all there, but there's more life than there used to be, and I will take all the life I can get.

2006-07-08T09:53:00.000-07:00

I got to hand feed my little deer friend again.. Back for the 2nd year in a row.. He needs a name tho... Any good ideas?

2006-07-08T09:52:00.000-07:00

Noodles and I decided we needed an extention of our beach trip to fully recover.. so off to the cottage it was... We skiied, boated, hung out by the water, played with sparklers, got some board shorts, had a breakfast on a terrace, and chatted.. It was great and much needed... I LOVE that place.. IT brings you back to what's important, and what is definilty not... I think it's a place I'm gonna go to this summer as much as possible.

2006-07-08T09:49:00.000-07:00

dave's aviators and the three of us in the reflection. taken while at the beach side bar!

2006-07-08T09:48:00.000-07:00

All four of the beach go'ers on the beach...

2006-07-08T09:46:00.000-07:00

After having a significant number of "daily problems" it was decided that a trip to the beach was necessary.. So Noodles, Dave, Patty and I embarked on a trip to the beach for the day.. It was exactly what was in order.. Filled with random strangers, who gave us gifts after posing for pictures at the gas station, to a full out game of "I never" at a beach side bar, to playing frisbee on the beach adn girls in Ugg boots!?!?!

2006-07-08T09:45:00.000-07:00

After having a significant number of "problems

2006-07-08T09:43:00.000-07:00

This picture was taken post party (the day after).. J, spent the entire day helping me recover from events past. I don't know if I've ever had such a selfless friend with whoom I can have so much fun. It was a day of beach, and football, and Ben and Jerry's ice cream, and Laguna Beach (which I swore I would never watch)!! I don't think there are many people as lucky as me to have a friend like J. Makes me wonder more than a few things.. Regardless, this is a pic of a pose he suggested I do.. Its goofy and fun, just like us!

2006-07-08T09:40:00.000-07:00

This is from later on at the house party.. I showed up with my tequila and a big jug of Sunny D. IT was a night of crazy phone calls to questionable companies, questionable decisions, and a couple steps back.. I had fun, but in the process probably didnt think as much as I probably should have... Having said that, this is a pic of me and my tennis buddy/good friend... obviously alcohol was in full force, as so demonstrated by the quality of this picture...

2006-07-08T09:36:00.000-07:00

J and I hung out at the beach/pier for the morning, before I had to jet off for shopping, tennis and a house party... I really like this picture because it shows the level of comfort we have together (if you knew me and him, you'd see the little mannerisms in this picture). there is anohter "set up" picture of the two of us in a similar pose, but this one is more candid.. more real.. I like real.

2006-07-08T09:33:00.000-07:00

J and I at the end of the long but fun Orillia trip!

2006-07-08T09:29:00.000-07:00

J and I went to Orillia for the day.. We went skiing (or at least I did), and to a little surf shop where I got a new neclace and green flip flops that I havent taken off since. We also went to the casino, where I read up on Craps, J scared a few people away from a black jack table (with his "bad luck") and then drove home..

Frustration sinks in..

2006-06-29T11:07:00.000-07:00

Soo much has happened over the past two weeks. I'm back where I began. The only difference: my head feels like scrambled eggs. I spent so long trying trying to just focus on myself, and things were going pretty well... Then *bam* the sky falls, and its back to the beginning of the end. Why cant anything just go as planned? WHY OH WHY can't I be the relaxed and easy going girl that I know I am? I've been on edge for a year now, and I just can't seem to fix it. I feel like a puzzle with one piece missing, and the longer that piece goes unfound the more anxious and uneasy I get. I am taking this frustration out on all aspects of my life. Truthfully most people wouldnt notice this in my daily mannerisims or activities, but its there, and its getting bigger. The worst thing is that the bigger this anxiousness gets the less motivated I am to push myself forward. Here in lies the problem... Moving forward is key. Why is is that with anything else missing I could move forward with ease and advance at a relitivly rapid pace? Without this one thing though, all I can do is sit here and feel like I'm stuck, trapped forever? I never ever put so much value or thought or importance on this before, and yet now, at the point in which I'm supposed to be more developed, I just can't move on? And worse instead of putting myself out there, I act like a tool with a high pitched voice, and nothing of value to speak of to protect myself from the very thing I need. I am scared to get hurt again, scared to show the real me, for fear that the relaxed and easy going me is boaring, when in fact the fake me is just annoying and lacks any type of real substance. ARGH!!!

frustration begins

2006-06-10T19:50:00.000-07:00

I've got one thing, and one thing only to say. Ok two things. First: I hate guys. I hate that they act strange and that they promise things to be nice (and then don't follow through) and then wonder why girls react the way that they do. What's wrong with being honnest and hurting someone? It's much better than being polite and indirectly driving them into the ground!! and Second: It's a great thing that in times of need, the people who are close to you really come through.. Be it by means of a random hug, or a random trip to a shopping mall to purchase lip gloss, followed by a much needed drink while watching the blue jays game. What stinks about this you ask? It's the fact that people (me) don't really appriciate these people or recognize just how important they are until these times.

2006-06-08T08:06:00.000-07:00

I went to our first work party on SUnday (after watching the dirt bike all day)... it was quite the action packed day.. The party was fun, but not crazy... not like in years past.. I dont know if the party is getting slower or if Im jsut getting older and tire out before the night really gets going.. I went home at a respectable 1:30.. Happy to have gone and seen everyone out, but a lil sad not to have seen a certain someone out.. I just want to get the "hello's" out of the way.. I dont even care about the rest anymore.. just the "hello"..

2006-06-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

This was my fav picture from the night... Probably becuasue it was the only pictue where it wasnt just point and shoot at ppl standing there.. it was semi taken "in action" and semi staged... I guess theres just something I like about it.. its fun.. and I like that... hopefully the next party will be even bettter!Q

2006-06-08T08:00:00.001-07:00

My friend from work and I right by the mud hole, watching multiple people fall in to the mud hole.. which was soooooooooo much fun to see.. probably not as much fun to do after racing for about 2.5 hours..

2006-06-08T08:00:00.000-07:00

I went to a dirt bike race on the weekend.. My friend from work's bf is big time into it... Watching the dirt bikeing made me want to be big time into it too...

2006-06-08T07:55:00.000-07:00

I got new board shorts which I am sadly in love with ... sadly this is the only picture I have to show of them, yes Im in a bathroom, just getting home (and ready to go to bed).

2006-06-08T07:52:00.000-07:00

Davey, another good guy friend of mine from work, got a puppy.. I have been begging to meet Maggie for weeks now.. I finally got to meet and play with her for an entire afternoon... It made for quite the fun day filled with hangin out by Davey's pool (puppy inclunded) followed up by some late night tennis (stopped only by the town lights which this summer shut off at 11:00 on the nose).

2006-06-08T07:48:00.000-07:00

J and I hut up the driving range.. I had purchased that golf shirt earlier with J.. He and I seem to be quite the good shopping/athletic buddies.. Funny thing is .... now that hes leaving, I'm realizing how much of an important part of my days hes become... and not in one of those now that I cant have you I wnat you ways.. we really have grown a lot as friends.. to the point where I really trust him and enjoy being around him...

2006-05-25T09:08:00.000-07:00

And the traditional foot shot of the Blue Jays.. on a side note.. "are you girls going to the prom?" and "the girl in the 7 jeans is hot".. no I was not wearing 7 jeans, so unfortunatly I am not the hot one. ha ha ha

2006-05-25T09:06:00.001-07:00

Another shot at the game...

2006-05-25T09:06:00.000-07:00

The girls at the game... yes another Jays game.. its a different expereince with each group you go with.. all great experiences, just different

2006-05-25T09:05:00.000-07:00

On the train to the game... summer = sunglasses in unnecessary places..

Happy Dances and 100 Japanese

2006-05-20T20:10:00.000-07:00

*HAPPY DANCE* I got my first "comment". Woo hoo. I write this simply to get my "scrambled egg" type thoughts out of my head in order to prevent any form of female insanity from arising. A truly selfish act. Even more so selfish is the fact that I would be truly angry (ok more so embarassed, but displayed in forms of anger) if any of my personal friends read this. On the other hand, a comment from a person who I know only by their blogger screen name, and message that they left behind, means the world. Seeing the "1 comment" marker could be one of the best discoveries I made all week. I wrote a post (that was deleted by myself) about a year ago. It spoke of how sometimes, the only way to be 100% unsensored is to write a message that you know no one else will read. Kind of like a message in a bottle, sent off into a vast body of water. Most likely no one will ever read the message, thus providing one with the unique chance to expell their most secret, silly and or supressed thoughts without fear of judgement. If by chance this message is found and read by some random person, the information exchanged between the two people is of the purest and most unsensored nature possible. A state of honnesty and candor, that only annoymity can provide. And so a person who knows you only through one piece of paper, or grouping of words, sees you in a way that even your closest of friends has never seen you. This thought is why I enjoyed the movie "Lost in Translation" so much , and proceeded to purchase the movie 3 times, because people kept "borrowing" it and not returning it.

Tonight. Scratch that. Today was an interesting day all together. It was my official "last day" at work. If you follow this type of thinking, then tomorrow will be my official "first day" at my new/old job. I'm 100% behind my decision to go back to my old job (thus making it "new" again) but Im also torn on how I feel about leaving my old job. *figgure out all of that if you can* Truthfully the reason for this sudden action, was created in one night. A night in which the decision to conjure up a plan so drastic, that personal development, and change were enevitable. The idea that arose and soon developed was to take a step back (towards my old job) in order to ensure steps forward towards my future job, as well as the realization that ties to the old A had to be cut if I ever wanted to have a real and full relationship wtih somone else. It's easy to remember the good stuff ( and it should be rembered) but not clung to likea child holds on to their favorite blanket. This farmilliarness offers a security that we all strive for, its safe, but its also restrictive. Sometimes, you have to be vulnerable and raw in order to comepletely move on. And you can't be raw while clinging to a security blanket by the name of old A. And so he was deleted. Sent off into space, to be remembered, but not known. I have yet to regret this decision.

In other news, Lauren and I went out for "all you can eat sushi". Yes "all you can eat". The place acutally reminded me of the seafood place from the Simpsons where Homer almost dies from the blowfish. It had the light up sign in the front, and a huge sign in the window that read "100 Japanese" nothing more and nothing less. The sushi was what can be expected for $20.00 all you can eat sushi (ie. not great) but the experience was fun, as it was a relaxed atmosphere, and al you could do was laugh at the enourmous amouts of sushi being constantly delivered to the table. There was one rule for this resteraunt though, and it was a significant rule: any left over pieces of sushi were 50 cents each. By the end of the meal Luren and I had to devise plans on how to dispose of the excessive amouts of extra sushi left over. Plans were made to stack sushi in the tea pot as so inspired by early Mr.Bean clips. We did not act on this plan, fear not. We did, however, mash up pieces of sushi to make it look like they had been tried, and discarded. We also discovered that if left in soya sauce, the sushi will fall appart quite nicely and disperse itself amoungst the soya sauce. Definetly a useful timbit of information if one ever finds themselves in a similar sitaution in which sushi needs to be disposed of quickly. Bringing large purses to the resteraunt may also have been a benificial method of disposing of said sushi, however we were not smart enough to have done this. I also dont own a purse, so that plan would have been impeeded prior to even being put to action. Needless to say it was a fun night.

2006-05-14T14:15:00.001-07:00

The whole group at the Jays game.. ya for Toonie Tuesdays!

2006-05-14T14:15:00.000-07:00

This was Noodles first Jays game ever!!! I think she enjoyed it!

2006-05-14T14:14:00.000-07:00

I almost forgot.. Another trip to a jays game... What do you do when youre late for the game and stuck in traffic??? Blow bubbles!!

2006-05-14T14:13:00.000-07:00

Yes it's picture time again... Here's what I've done over the past while, in picture form.. ie. The Children's story book version .. The much better version in my own oppinion..

2006-05-14T14:11:00.000-07:00

Mission #1 of the summer complete: Climb a tree.. I climbed two. Most likely I will climb more. I would suggest it to anyone.

2006-05-14T14:10:00.000-07:00

Paul was back in town from BC for a short period... Sooo glad I got to see him (twice!!) Some people are just really good friends, and you just cant explain it... As much as I hate BC for taking Paul to the other side of the country, Im really happy everythign is going so well for him.

2006-05-14T14:08:00.000-07:00

Needless to say... I would reccomen the bull pen seats again.

2006-05-14T14:07:00.000-07:00

Another Jays game.. and guess what... Front row again... This time above the Bull Pen... and I got a ball from one of the pitchers!! No I did not ask for it...But it most definilty made my day! I went to the jays game with a friend from Waterloo who was in town for 2 weeks...

2006-05-14T14:06:00.000-07:00

I got this shirt while shopping with "J". I think its funny because its from the "men's" department.. I truly think I buy more boys clothing than acutal boys...

2006-05-14T14:04:00.000-07:00

I went to yet another Jays game with my brother. They have these animations that they put up on the weekends... Poor Schoeneweis gets this one... The guys on the team definity laughed at him, as he ran out while it was played.

2006-05-14T14:01:00.000-07:00

Yet another pair of front row seats to the jays game. These were for NY, and they were in the 200 level... I went 24 hours with pretty much no sleep jsut to see this game... Obviously it was worth it...

2006-05-14T13:58:00.001-07:00

The girls out for the b-day at Nash..

2006-05-14T13:58:00.000-07:00

For my birthday I went to Nash with Lauren. She was a good sport about it, as its definitly not her kind of bar... This was a pic of me doing the Barn Yard Mixer.. not the right shirt to wear at all for such a dance... You dance with about 50 people, so I have no clue who that guy is..

2006-05-14T13:55:00.000-07:00

My brother and I at the home opener for the Jays.. The internet ticket selector thing must have loved me, because we got front row seats. The fact that I bought these tickets the day they went on sale also probably played a key factor...

2006-05-14T13:54:00.000-07:00

You cant quite see it here.. but my brother and I I made a "we miss O Dog" poster for the season opener... We did not make the jumbo tron.. possibly because O Dog isnt a Jay anymore.. More likely because it was a sold out game and there were tons of signs.

2006-05-14T13:51:00.000-07:00

I got a jays hat last year when A2 left. He had gotten a hat while I was out with him, and I had wanted to buy it for him... but I didn't know what was appropriate... I've been a jays fan since I was about 8 years old.. so my desire to get a jays hat of my own, well sparked by A2 was not the reason for it.

2006-05-14T13:49:00.000-07:00

An old friend receltly contacted me. He was of the highest caliber of friends. We lived nexdoor to eachother in university. Its funny how people can somewhat dissapear, but not really go away... And then all of a sudden *poof* they're back there in your life... Definitly one of my good friends from the past and hopefully the future.. Keeping in touch is a tricky bugger... I have learned this.... But I'm getting better at it..

Toys R Us, and ticking clocks...

2006-05-14T13:04:00.000-07:00

I have the desire to sit down and type out a "typical" post, but the problem is nothing seems to be comming out. The way I see it, there are two possible reasons for this lack of expelling words on to a computer screne to one of two things. First it could simply be that I am in a plateau, and everything that I have to discuss, I have already addresssed. You know what I have done over the past (almost) year, who I miss, who hurt me, who has made me happy, what Im excited about and what I fear. No need to do re-peats, as even the best tv show's repeats just arnt as good the 2nd time around. The other reason for my inability to congure up something to say could be that there's just too damn much going on in my life right now, and my brain simply cant process the astoundingly high number of random thoughts running through my head at any given point in time. Basically, if I were to attempt to blog in this state, you would get ADHD on paper. More importantly it would prove that I am in fact a nut, and not just a little nut like a peanut, more like a big giant walnut, or even a coconut... The reality of this sitaution, is (like always in life) its a little of sitaution number one, and a little of situation number two. I am stagnent right now. Sure I'm changing jobs, and going in to "summer mode", but Im also heading off to the job I've had for the past 6 summers, and my summer events are a collage of things I have enjoyed doing in my past. So change:yes, but farmilliarity:most definitly. I guess the reason for my lack of production in the topics catagory really is the uncertanty about what is going to go on in the next few months. As simple as things are now, change is unavoidable. What kind of change, and how I will take the change is the uncertain part... And thats damn scarry! Sure you optomistic kids will tell me that change is exciting and that it will bring about new and exciting experiences and give me a chance to develop.. TO all of you sharing that thought.. I have the following to say/sing "I DONT WANT TO GROW UP, IM A TOYS R US KID"... I like the certainty and the farmilliarity of my life. I like my summer job, and going out with friends. Truth is I do want to "grow up" in certain ways. I would love to buy a house, and get a full time careere that I enjoy , and buy a horse, and have kids and the whole damn package. THe problem, and the scarry part regarding this is the following: What if it doesnt work out as planned? What if I end up living in an appartment by myself with cats for the rest of my life dressing up in clothes way too "young" for my age etc. What if the typical, grow up, get a job, a house , kids and a husband, isnt in the cards for me? I guess a fear of the fact that the "ideal" method of life unfolding (as taught to us by just about every tv show or movie) isnt going to happen.. And so, instead of feeding the fire and heading down the path of appartments and cats, I would rather just stay where I am and enjoy still ahving the dream that my life will unfold like it does on the big screne... A kid can dream cant she? I think eventually... Scratch that... I know eventually I will be forced to move on and grow up, regardless of how much I fight it. I can feel certain parts of my brain pushing me towards advancing every day. I may be in the same place, but its very different now. Its like going into a room where one thing has been removed. You know somethings different or strange, you just have that feeling. What is strange or has changed to trigger that feeling you just cant put your finger on, until someone points out the obvious inadimate object that is missing... And then you laugh, roll your eyes and thank that person for relieving that constant wondering.... SImply put: I feel like I'm Peter Pan, and that damn crocidile is chasing me around with that clock that is constantly ticking... tick tick tick.. TIme is definitly running out. BUt does moving on, mean leaving the kid (and in essance, who you were) behind?? Or can that kid come along for the ride??? I hope so.

On a side note, I have never been the dependant type. I dont need to have a guy in my life to feel happy or satisfied.. But I do miss having someone around to go do fun and sill y things, to sit on the cough and just hang out with... I fear not having that.

Two Steps Back

2006-04-28T19:31:00.000-07:00

Well, call me Peter Pan, because I just can't give upthe security of my youth just yet. Brittney Spears had it right (though its sad to admit it) when she belted out the words "not a child, not yet a woman". It's an odd feeling when you realize that the path you have been on for the past few years (and pretty much your entire life) is comming to an end. I would like to say I have found a pot of gold at the end of this "yellow brick road" or at least some crazy man behind some curtain ready to conjur up a plan to take me home in a hot air balloon; but neither of these senarios is the case. Instead I find myself at the side of a highway with cars all wizzing by me. I've never been good a t merging, and so instead I sit at the end of the path and wait for the traffic to clear. The traffic will never celear though, and deep down I know this. What am I waiting for? I may not be good at merging, but I'v alwaays done it with confidence and success in the past, so why not this time? The truth is, Im scared. SDcared that I will never get off the highway, scared that I wont be the same driver once Im on the highway, scared that the highway will hollow me out. I have somehow managed to sneek another summer of minimal responsibility into my life. I LOVE this an appriciate it like never before. Last year I said it was my last "summer of fun", this summer I dont need to say anything because I know it is my last "summer of fun". Others may stop and look at my choice to extend my "Peter Pan" phase and shake their heads. People may think that "man she's doing the same job again? She's going no where fast". To them all I have to say is this:

I have a lot of years a head of me to go everywhere fast. For some there is happiness in advancment into adult years and responsibility at the fastest rate possible. These people seem to race through the inbetween stage to be the first to purchase a house, to get married or have children. This is a race I have already lost. But in loosing this race I have also won. I have won a long Peter Pan phase of life. A phase in which you eat popcicles and slushies after midafternoon tennis matches, and go camping/cottaging with friends. A phase in which laughing at work is as necessary as productivity. Work in this phase is more of a social extention of ones life, than a method to advance ones career, there are work outings, and romances and scandles. Its simple and its fun and its carefree. Sure in the back of your head there are thoughts of what to do next, and pplans for the futre, but theyre for the future, they arnt the present. I am happy with where I am, and while I know that I will eventually have to grow up, I will do what I can to prolong this phase of my life. I value this phase, and happiness enough to sacrafice a few years of large salaries and RRSP contrubutions. If people think Im going no where because I value my current hapiness that comes with the "summer job" then so be it. What makes you happy, is obviously far different from what currently has the potential to make me happy.

Back to square one.

2006-04-27T10:04:00.000-07:00

I was right. I was also wrong. I was right in the sence that big changes are in store for me in the near future. I was wrong in the sence that these changes would involve someone to play with and accompany on various summer adventures. That dream was short lived. That dream however, put in to action a number of necessary changes. Everything happens for a reason right? It's funny how one little change, and an incorrect perception of its purpose can generate such a desire for change. More importantly, its interesting how just one shift in motion (that was relativly insignificant) could spark such a huge transition. For the past year I have played hide and seek with myself. This game is over.. I may not have successfully found myself, but I have found the missing piece to the puzzle. Confidence. I have to do stuff for myself. This is where the big changes begin, but it's not really where they end. My whole manner of thinking has changed, my priorities, etc. These changes all start with a dentist appointment (which I made for tomorrow). Here's to the hope that these changes get the action and attention that they deserve.

Crash into me, summer girl, and catch my dissease because the sunrise and strawberry wine feels like home....

2006-04-18T17:53:00.000-07:00

I guess I'm in a writing mood today. Poor imaginary readers! One of my very dear friends published a blog with lyrics from songs that reminded her of someting. While reading her blog, I found myself scrolling down the page thinking "dammit, she better have the charlie brown song that we danced to last summer" and hoping that that moment stuck out in her life, as much as it did in mine. Sure dancing at the cottage to a song that conjured up images of Charlie Brown dancing to a play piano, and feeling the need to replicate his dance moves, is not a life altering moment, but its a great moment for me. I hoped, that it was a great moment for her as well, because I definlty do not want to hog all the great moments in life.. Great moments are, afterall better when shared with someone else! Needless to say, she too enjoyed that moment, because at the bottom of her post were the lyrics I so strongly wished to see. Songs, like smells have always brought forth memories at lightning speed(good and bad). I am also a fan of soundtracks and the positioning of music in telivision and movies, as I feel they emphasize the greatest of moments if used properly. Everyone has a soundtrack to their life, and moments or people to whom music will always be tied. FOr me there are quite a few music moments, that the radio is capable at bringing forth at random times, on random trips... Here are a few:

Chantel Kriviatsic's (cant spell her name) "Feels Like Home" will always remind me of sitting in my dad's office in his big black leather chair, in the early hours of the morning (6am). Snow is everwhere, and everything is white, but I am warm and happy That is the feeling I get with that. I remember being on ICQ and speaking, or looking to speak with "A" in a completely innocent way those days, all I wanted to hear was a "hi". Sheelah and Suha are asleep in the other room (Suha just had her first sleep over) Kelly was supposed to come, but was sick.

Deanna Carter's "Strawberry Wine" Reminds me of Sarah from 1st year university at Western. School was over, and everything seemed to be ending, and there was a prolonged sence of fun, that we clung to.. We went out with strawberry wine for a last night in town.

The Norah Jones "Sunrise" song will always remind me of A1. It reminds me of the peak of our time together, a moment where I was unconditionally happy, and nothing seemed able to ruin that.

Beck "Summer Girl" aka Charlie Brown song, cottage trips, drunken nights, dancing like cartoons, and freedom..

Ben Lee "Catch my Dissease" Leaving a random, and last viable message on A2's phone.

U2 will always remind me of the Blue Jays....

Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews reminds me of the crossing of lines (without actually crossing any lines at all). I did nothing, and yet in that moment, it felt like I was no longer the same. I then sat in a ball, in a fort I had created the night before, with blankets all around me, and just slept to this song playing on a cd player on the shelf.

There are many more songs I'm sure but that's all I got for the moment.

Still cant seem to escape the letter "A"

2006-04-18T17:17:00.000-07:00

As I've mentioned before, I've only really liked two boys in my entire life, both whom shared a number of eerie similarities, but were very much different people, with their own mannerisms and personalities. I am here to tell you, that while it may be early on, at least some portion of this tradition could be crumbling. Yes the letter "A" is still there but the name is different, and yes the nationality is still there, but the August birthday is also a thing of the past. I woke up Sunday with a smile from ear to ear, and the desire to pass on my extreme happiness to anyone and everyone that crossed my path. This is the third time I have felt this feeling (it only gets better with time). I count myslef lucky for having gotten the chance to feel this extreme happiness. I also remind myself that I must enjoy it while it lasts, as it will at some point in time go away. People after all can only experience loss if they have something that can be taken away. And this can most definitly be taken away. I also remind myself that if you tip-toe around something simply because it can be lost, it will in a sence become prematurley lost. You're either all in, or you're out. I am all in. And if, by chance, being all in means that I will only experience this feeling for a day, a week, maybe a month than I will take it and run like I have never run before. There will be time to look back later. Sat night for me was great, it exceeded expectaions. It exceeded these expecations, because (not only of course) thre were no expectations. It's funny that I have been so conditioned to expect people to be demanding, and persumptuious, when in fact there are still some good people out there who truly do just want the same thing as me. I will remember the old music at dinner, and the fact that I felt the need to wear board shorts on an inappropriatly cold night (its April for goodness sake!) and the fact that BUrlington can generate quite a nice veiw filled with bright lights and briges, water and of course Smog!! It was a great night, and worth the early morning that I had to have (for work).

2006-04-18T16:51:00.000-07:00

Oh how things change in the blink of an eye. For me positive changes have "evolved" and negative changes have come more in a quick "explosion" as opposed to something as time consuming as evolution. In truth, the bad stuff probably just seems more dramatic, and has always seemed to disrupt my hard earned security and thus I feel the need to use a term as dramatic as an explosion. This term afterall must truly convey the extreme impanct the change seemed to have on my life. I sit here though, at the start of another summer, and things, they are a changing, in what seems quick enough to use the term as explosive. This explosion has the potential to be a good one, possibly of firework nature, as opposed to the TNT explosions of my past. Summer for me will not be what I planed. More specifically summer has the potential to be very different from my initial pre-set ideas of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Don't freek out, there will still be plenty of time for climbing trees, and playing at parks; rest assured. What could be different, (and this would be very different for me) is that I may in fact have a partner to climb trees with, to cottage with , to eat with and generally have fun with. At first glance this seems great (and it is). But it also complicates things to the extreme. I find myself looking at my work schedule and becomming quite frusterated wtih its life-owning capabilities. When my schedule was all that mattered, it was a great schedule. Working 7 days/nights in a row, and in return getting 4 days off seemed like an amazing deal. Sure a Friday night here and a Sat night there would have to be sacraficed, but who cares? Not me when "I" am my main priority, and time off is all that matters. I dont like going to bars THAT much that I always HAVE to go out. BUT NOW, that I have the chance at going out with somone who I really want to see and cannot because it just so happens to be the Friday I have to work, the schedule seems like a parent who refuses to let their teenaged kids out past 9:00 on weekends (bedtime). I now feel the need to stop my feet and yell back at the top of my lungs "THIS IS NOT FAIR, YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO HAVE ANY FUN!!" I of course don't mind this frusteration, as the reason for it (having someone who I simile instantly just at the thought of seeing) is valuable enough for me to endure endless frusteration of this kind. I had just forgotten the struggles that accompanied two people with different schedules who want to at some date and time find themselves together. My first thought was to reduce my work load to one job, but that doesnt elievate the restrictive schedule at all, as my main (and not so easy to drop) job would be the job to stay. I just don't know. Change jobs? Keep jobs? last week I was planning drive-in movie trips with friends and time off getaways with anyone who was free. Now my only priority is ME being free. Either way my summer will be great. I just prefer the "great" that seemed to pop out of no-where, and that sets me for a summer that I have not already experienced ten times over. I hope things work out, I really do.

Old dogs, new tricks...

2006-04-11T15:37:00.000-07:00

Last year I wrote a post in response to a 30 year old asking me out on a date. The short version (which for me is quite the rarity) was, and still is that 30 is just to old for me. It's purly a "me" thing, and a mental perception of what I see a 30 year old being. I am not where a 30 year old is, and furthermore could not fulfill most of their expecatations (in my own head at least). I guess to me dating a 30 year old would require me to "sell" or "trade" what little youth I have left. Sure 30 year olds can be "young" still and do young things, but they should be focused on career, children and marriage. I'm just not there yet... I'm on track to be there eventually, but not close enough to the station. Needless to say I did not date the 30 year old, and I have not regretted that decision at all.. This year brings forth the same issue, but on the flip side. Is it acceptable for me to "hang out" ok ok date someone who is a wee bit younger than myself? I have always been a stickler for age. My old boss actually called me an agist, in the sence that I always stated taht there was no way in hell I would ever date anyone younger than myself. I have followed that method of thinking until now. A#1 was my age, and A#2 was a year older than me (which was the ideal age in my own oppinion). Neither of these relationships ended because of age related issues, and thus I maintain that as far as age goes I've always been on track.. I find it funny though, because if one of my guy friends dated a younger girl (and a lot of them have or are) I would fully support it, and probably not even think twice about the issue of age. When it comes to a girl (including myself) dating a younger guy, it's quite the different story. Why the double standard? I do not know. I have agreed to hang out with someone younger, and I'm going to see how it goes. I'm going in to this with an open mind, and also knowing that internally I must see something special or different in this person for the sole reason that Im agreeing to let go of my "rules" and go. Rules are ment to be broken, and hopefully this rule was one worth breaking... I guess we'll see

Jays Review Part 2

2006-04-05T13:01:00.000-07:00

This post will be a continuation (or a Part 2, if you will..) of my Jays Review of the Home Opener
This post will be more of a Game Highlights eddition, as opposed to a review.
So here it is.

First our seats: We arrived at the game, with our computer printed tickets. My brother (who is my official co-host for most of the upandcomming Jays games) accidentally clicked the "print" button while purchasing the tickets for the game. It was agreed that ticket stubs are the way to go, and thus each of us expressed our dissapointment at the lack of ticket stubs for this years opener. This dissapointment was short lived, when we arrived and actually saw where we got to sit. For a random, computer generated seat picking system, I have to say I was more than impressed in the result of our purchase. The ticket assigning systom must have loved me.. I won the lottery of electronically assigned seating! YES! We got seats in which, I could rest my feet on the railing (and I did). Basically we were front row on the 3rd baseline near left field. A seat which was filled with loud mouth fans, and catered to sign holding fans (such as my brother and I) and also provided the long sought after perfect view of the field.

Second the fans: Ok Ok. So the fans wer'nt exactly New York esk. If you have ever had the pleasure of sitting in the presence of NY fans you know that they can produce even the most random of statistics, and can come up with punch lines that will make you nod your head and laugh to yourself in agreement (even if you dont really agree). These fans would never think of saying anything like "Even Cindarella gets to the ball faster than you Wells, or KENNY PICK UP THE PHONE" instead they resorted to statements which lacked knowledge or any type of real knowlege. Still there was the occational funny statement, and that was a great source of enteratinment. Also, at one point in the game, an unlucky fan who had mistakenly choosen to wear a Boston hat got taunted by an entire section, until finally he was tossed from the game, to the sound of cheering and singing by all the fans in that area. Needless to say, wearing a hat that has any other baseball team (especially a direct opponent) is pretty much BAD IDEA JEANS. It sure does provide for some entertainment though. Another fan sitting in the outfield section (nearest to us) caught a home run ball from the other team. This would have been met with applause if HE had choosen to throw back the ball. HE, however, did not throw back the ball. Instead he ended up enduring relentless cants right up until the end of the game (no less than 3 innings worth). I put the HE in big letters, because the fact that a guy would cling to a home run ball is kind of funny. Sure I can see how a girl would keep it because its pretty, or for centimental purposes (it is of course a memory). A male however, does not see things as pretty or centimental, and therefore is pretty much wired to throw a ball liek this back. Males usually get huge kicks, and self recognition for acts such as this. After all throwing back a home run ball from the other team is a heroic act. This guy was no hero, and instead clug to the ball like a(all the statements that I can come up with for this are inappropriate). On the positive side, Bengie hit a hommer that resulted in consistant cheers of approval and love from fans. Bengie has a great cheering name that could come in handy for many games to come... PRovided he continues to produce...
Thirdly Post Game: Even the walk back to the train this year was filled with happy cheering fans. Last year everyone trickled out of the stadium and situated themselves on the train for their long ride home. People chatted and went their seperate ways. This year there were throngs of fans all trying to jam through the skywalk and mash on to filled train cars. Getting on to the train felt like boarding the titanic (more precicely getting off of the Titanic) in which all the carts were full.. It was GREAT. People continued to cheer all the way home... THere were chants in the skywalk, and discussions on the train (while we sat on the upperdeck floor because of the lack of seats).

Simply put if the fans stay, and the Jays make a good run, everyone will produce what could be a season similar to the great old days of the early 90's... And if not, its back to having the Jays to myself, where I can go and feel like Im the only one in the stadium. I like both sitautoins, but I prefer having fans, as its better for the team as a whole... And I like to think of myself as a team player. So good luck Jays, and thanks for a great start to what looks like the makings of a great season...

na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey...

2006-04-05T12:46:00.000-07:00

The official Blue Jay's Report for April 4th, 20006.
Aka. The HOME OPENER

Ok sports fans, so it's that time of year again. Yes, it's Blue Jay season. I have always went to Jays games, and even more important, I have always enjoyed Jays games. I love my Jays, like a crazy marriage obsessed girlfriend that wont go away does. I check the scores, I go to games, I buy their gear and wear it proudly... In short I'm a little bit of a Jays nut. Truth be told, for all of this interest in the Jay's I cannot hold up a competent and in depth conversation with a guy about the sport or team. I simply cant focus on the minor details that all boys love to regurgitate. I just like to watch and follow the games. I get excited when they win, and supportive when they lose. I defend them from angry Leafs fans, and I share in the excitment with other authentic Jays fans. This year there are may new fans (who can also be refered to as bandwagon jumpers). Yes I hated the fact that people who had previously shot down the jays and cut them to shreds, all of a sudden sent me messages now professing their love. In fact I went as far as cutting these new found fans to shreds (in my own head at least). After being at yesterdays home opener, however, changed this perspective. Sure it stinks that these fans have no loyalty to the team, and could potentially jump ship with the first Jays loss, but in all honnesty, its nice to have fans. The stadium was packed, the fans did the wave, and yelled random statements out to the players (some funny, some clevor, and some no so impressive at all) jerseys were purchased, and popcorn and beer were consumed. IT was great to have the full baseball experience back, even if the cost is a few too many bandwagon fans. If these fans start to leave, when they realize that even a winning and well possitioned Jays team will still have trouble beating out NY and Boston to make the play offs... all I have to say (chant) to them is this..

Na na na na... Na na na na.... Hey Hey Hey.. GOOD BYE!!

Cut short.. a room full of people, too much coffee and no sleep...

2006-04-03T09:48:00.000-07:00

I remembered (more specifically found myself saying) another great phrase on the weekend... "Happy Camper". Aside from the slight memories of a person lost, and the close proximity with his friends (so so not a pleasant feeling) I was quite the happy camper this weekend. Or at least I was a happy camper at the beginning of the weekend. Sure it could have been more of a delieorious feeling confused as a happy one, but boy was it extreme. This extremeness can be attributed to the deadly (but surprisingly uplifting) combo of no sleep for over 48 hours and excessive amounts of coffee (intensified by the fact that I am still not a seasoned coffee drinker). I fear that a new addiction is in the makings. I still don't like coffee, and for what ever reason (possibly its association with stung out and stressed adults) I am heasitant to even admit that I drink the stuff. After watching myself act like a crazy woman, whose symptoms included the inability to sit still, and excessive and exagerated methods of speaking/conversations; I think I may need to ban coffee; at least in quantities exceeding one (1) medium cup.

On a side note. THe combination of coffee and seeing A2's friends at the orientation made me feel like a complete idiot. I couldn't stop myself. It brought out, and made me aware of all the insecurities I have developed over the years. YES to that! I find it funny that while you can be in a room filled with people who you both love and feel comfortable with, and yet the few who (not by their own actions or intentions... just association with someone) can rip that feeling of comfort away without even a glance. A2's friends were always nice, and even on the weekend, I never got a bad stare or any real reason to feel uncomfortable. I just felt uncomfortable on my own. I again, think it's funny that one person, can make you feel this. I wish things could just be normal, and that he would treat me like a normal friend. I guess we never were friends. All or nothing. Live and learn. THough I still dont know what my possition would be on the temp high vs long lasting mediocer (without the potential of experiencing what is in you to experience). I think the grass is always greener. THough if you spoke to me durring last August (a time in which even short glances brought about feelings of pure and innocent contentness and comfort) I would say that it was worth anything, even the loss of said feelings eventually.

The extinction of tough bananas....

2006-03-31T13:57:00.000-08:00

I have a lot in my head right now. Big surprise I know. The content of my thoughts is slightly different from my earlier posts. You can let out the sigh of relief right now. I'm cyclical apparently, so if for whatever reason you loved my constant posts of uncertainty, and desire for things that I cannot have, expect new posts this fall. Until then it's random and out of no where comments (which hopefully will be a little shorter winded). Today I would like to talk about the phrases that are lost with age. These words (though sometimes on my endangerd phrase list) always bring a smile to my face and a warm memory of simple things. I am sure I am not alone on this. Why then do people disgard these words without the slightest of thought? Maybe it is because they arnt gramatically correct, or are labled as inapropriate for adult use. I always thought that as you grew up, things that were deamed as "inappropriate" or "off limits" would become fewer and fewer... Bring on the fun!! Unfortunatly this was one of the many misguided illusions that youth pounds in to our brains. Maybe it's so that the transition from words such as "that's sick-a-tating" to "That is unappealing" will be an easier one. In other words if you don't notice what you're losing, you won't miss. Sure tossing out certain things as you grow up are necessary, like wearing diapers and (I don't know) sucking your thumb, but other things (especially words) should be kept if they're keepers. So what then are some of the "good" words and prases that we toss out without even noticing, but bring back more hapiness than a bacon and cheese sandwich in the morning? *I can't remember* most of them, proving my point. Here are some words that I use when speaking that I would deem as not typical of being a 24 year old.... "You're toast" "sick-a-tating" "bestest" "hello jello" " "tough bananas" "smart cookie". I wish I could remember more. Please please plese remind me of other phrases...

The Spring Summer edition of Megan's To Do List

2006-03-31T13:40:00.000-08:00

I snuck on to my sister's laptop. I am dead if she finds out. For whatever reason, I like the "sneakiness" of this so-not-allowed special operation. My computer is right upstairs, and is free for the using, but nope, I'm going to use the computer that is off limits. It's more fun that way. I've been enjoying myself profusely recently. Spring has come, and with the warmer weather and promises of thudner storms, I feel like everything is O.K.. I'm back to doing the things that I enjoy, and not questioning myself for doing them. If I want to bake cookies in my P.J.'s and go out for nachos with my siblings, then by gosh I'm gonna do it. I have also come up with some things to put on my "spring/summer of 06 To Do List" So here is the begninning of the list:

Spring/Summer To Do List '06
I want to play in the forrest and climb trees like I used to (not so long ago),
I want to go to the drive-in with my brother and sister like I do every year.
Become a constant attendee at the Jays games (so far I'm going to 3 games in April)
Go on a trail ride
Go to Wassaga
Take friends up to the cottage
Go to the Calgary Stampeed
Go to the Canada Day Country Jam (even if the only accompanyment that I can find is a dog)
Play golf, tennis and water ski as much as time will allow
Fly a kite
Draw on the sidewalk
Go for slushies with my brother
Go on a random road trip (without knowing where Im going till I get there
Go to the Tragically Hip concert
Run another marathon
Go to Canada's Wonderland
Have a dinner on the patio in Toronto (Summerlicious)
Go fishing near the lighthouse (fishing without the intent of catching any fish)

These things probably seem boaring and simple, but they're what I enjoy or used to enjoy. I would love to do something completley random and different, but nothing has really popped intomy head. If anyone has any suggestions I'd love to hear them. I actually came up with the idea of writing things down while dreaming of climbing trees while on a run.

2006-03-27T06:44:00.000-08:00

Showering is something that most people do. I say most, because I am sure that there is at least one person living on some remote island with no form of running water, and who therefore cannot shower. For those remote few, this blog will make no sence. For everyone else, here is some useful post shower advice. Every person who has showers (or baths YICK!) has a process following their shower. This process for me is followed very strictly without thought or considderation. I don't need any thought or considderation, as my process has been perfected simply by necessity. Simply put, living in Canada where the winters are oh so cold, has forced me to create (over my 24 years) a flawless system in which the least amount of heat can be lost post shower. In fact, the pre-shower time/effort is the part of your shower routien that will ensure a happy post-shower camper. The first step, and key component of a post shower routien, is actually take before the shower is taken. One must get a towel (it does not have to be large) and place it directly outside the shower (prior to getting in). This may seem like extra effort and wasted time, but I assure you it is not. Your feet will thank you, when they step onto a warm clothlike material, as opposed to the cold, hard tile that usually covers the floors in bathrooms. It's here that I will let you in on the biggest shower secret of all.... It's all about the feet. Feet have the greatest chance at comming in to contact with cold substances when you exit a shower. Feet also release a significant amout of precious heat when given the chance. Simply put, feet have the ability to be your greatest shower enemy (if not treated like athe spoiled little child they are). The other key step to staying warm is also taken prior to getting into the shower. One must place a pair of socks within reach of the towel/area upon which your feet will warmly stand. Putting socks on first is a must. This again prevents heat from exiting your body at a fast pace. And finally, the last, piece of advice I can offer in relation to showers is in regards to the time in which you choose to embark on such an adventure. While morning showers will most certainly leave you wide awake, and alert, they also often cause a number of not-so-enjoyable side effects. Morning showers can sometimes casue some or all of the following: constant and uncontrollable shaking (almost seizure like in extreme cases), short sharp zinning sensations (not pleasant) that run through your body when the water first comes in contact with your skin (this feeling will last for up to 30 seconds after first getting into the shower, and can also happen post shower if per-shower percautions were not taken). In additon, the "deer caught in the headlight" syndrom can also happen durring early morning showers. The deer caught in the headlight syndrom is usually identifiable by tensing muscles and bulging eyes. Evening showers (which take place when the house is at its warmest) are therefor advisable, provided that extenuating circumstances which require a morning shower (and the risk of the associated side effects) do not exist.

2006-03-24T06:27:00.000-08:00

This is my green tea (I hate tea, but I LOVED this). I got it at Spring Rolls in Toronto before going to the concert. I felt that I should get a drink to go along with the meal, as opposed to my normal glass of coke... Plus I loved the cute mugs (as pictured) that everyone else seemed to have, and wanted to have a cute tea bag (filled with snowflake-like rice and other pretty looking things) of my own. I got the tea, and it did not dissapoint! In fact, In two short weeks I will be going to Spring Rolls with my family for my birthday dinner... I got the coolest dinner too.. Lettus wraps, which you get to wrap yourself .. Tonz of fun let me tell you, even with the healthy connotation that the title brings along with it!!

2006-03-24T06:22:00.000-08:00

I had a pic with L in it.. And I would rather post that one, but I cant seem to flip it... In other words, you would have to tilt your head to the right to view it... And who is gonna do that?? SO instead, its just me in an oversized jacket in the ice lounge... that took two attempts to get into...

2006-03-24T06:19:00.000-08:00

L and I went to the Oasis concert with L's friend J... He was definilty a good additon to the concert as he had us all on our feet, jumping and singing along. It was deifnilty nice to be around people who enjoyed the concert so much, as it made it ten times more enjoyable for myself as well.. I was up there on my seat jumping and singing as well.. And it usually takes some alcohol to bring that side out of me.. This time all it took was one crazy friend.. ha ha

Do you feel like a puzzle? You can't find your missing piece?

2006-03-24T05:37:00.000-08:00

First of all I would like to point out that.. YES I know the lyrics in my title are to a Coldplay song and not an Oasis song. and.. NO I don't care that they do not follow along with the mini Oasis rant I am about to embark on. In fact, they go along with the point I am trying to make... So here's the point/rant.

Right before I went to the Oasis concert, I did what any typical, normal person on this planet does prior going to a concert... I told everyone around me where I was going with a hint of exitment in my voice. This excitment was met with the usual confirmation of excitment in ways such as "that's amazing, you're one lucky girl" but what also followed astounded me a little. People (and Id say 8/10) got this puzzled look on their face and then stated "but who is Oasis?". Now I understand that not everyone is musically enclined, and yes Oasis is not plastered all over the radio like they were when I was in grade 9, but I thought the majority of people at least knew the name... At the very least, knew songs like Wonderwall and Chapaigne Supernova. I mean I don't even LOVE the band really, I just thought they would be good live (which they were). I KNOW who they are though. That puts me above the 8/10 people in regards to Oasis I guess. I would also like to point out that the majority of people who were forced to confim my excitement and had to see me pre-concert were in their late 20's to early 60's... This isnt really a rant about people not likeing Oasis, becasue I really couldn't care less, I don't even like them that much (minus the main Wonderwall, Chapagne Supernova and Don't Look Back in Anger" which I quite like) I dont even know many songs by them. What I do like about them, is that their music reminds me of sitting on a bus in England with a bunch of kids, being carted of to a private school, who all began to sing and sway their arms when ANY Oasis song was even mentioned. THEY will definitly always know what band Oasis is. Maybe it's a generation gap, or maybe it's simply my generation who were the lucky ones to "know" Oasis. There are a lot of people out there, I know this because ACC was filled..

On the topic of generation gaps... Post Oasis, L and I went out for drinks... Much against my will (though I hid this lack of desire). To me, going out for dinner followed by a concert was enough to fill one night, no extra events were needed. I tried to get out of it with the typical line of "well I don't really want to go, but I'll go if you want to. But just one drink". I knew full well that it would never be one drink. Its never one drink. So off we went for "one (meaning multiple) drink" to C-Lounge. The one good thing about this trip is it gave me the chance to check out an ice bar that my mom had told me about earlier on in the season. An ice bar that I wanted to go into, try on the fuzzy jackets they provide you with, take a few pictures, laugh a few times, etc... That was fun. But I also had to endure the typical club scene in Toronto, with people telling pointless stories, and professing their love for lulu lemon, Juicy Coutiour (I cant even spell it) and boys. I DONT CARE!!!! I DONT OWN A SINGLE PIECE OF THAT KIND OF CLOTHING, I HAVE NO INTREST IN LIVING IN A FANCY APPARTMENT IN TORONTO AND I DONT CARE WHO SLEPT WITH WHO!!!! I find talking in this manner just makes me feel fake, insecure and self concious. Surrounding myself with these types of conversations brings me into a world I want no part in. SURE these are probably good people, and theyre just having their idea of a fun night out. PROBLEM: Its not a fun night for me. Sure I nod my head and laugh (and yes sometimes the stories and jokes are funny) but not enough to keep the desire to stay there present. I HATE that every outing with L ends at a bar or going out for drinks. For the record shes not like that, shes deifnilty not hooked on alcohol, and she has more to her than silly little conversations. But she likes this scene, and I do not. I fear we are embarking on different paths her and I, and there's not much I can do about it. Anyways the generation gap: MY SPACE. It came up in conversation (the one conversation that I actually enjoyed and found to be quite interesting) . My generation sees My Space like adults and old people see MSN. I have lived through Napster, and ICQ and MSN, and enjoyed all for the different services that they offer... Who wouldn't enjoy free music and the chance to chat with friends basically 24 hours a day??? My Space however, seems like such a hassle and such a waste of time and effort. For all of you My Space "lovers" out there, I am sure I am just ignorant to it's many fab uses. I know that it allows you to make some form of a web page in which you can blogand post pictures and links. I know that My Space also allows you to add friends, and find friends. It also allows these long lost friends to post comments and contact you. And the best feature of all, it allows you to "Browse" or snoop through other people's friends and contacts, ie. stalk with permission. I say stalk as lightly as I can, as I am just as curious about other people as the next person. I can say for sure that I would be checking out my friend's spaces and would look at various parts of their site with no real reason except the desire to find something interesting... It just seems like so much work though, just to accumulate a group of pictures on the right hand of the screen... Maybe if I blogged and wanted people to see it, or maybe if I thought it would actually bring back friends I have lost contact with along the way... But from what I've seen, the blogs are too personal for me to share and the pictures are more of friends that people aready know and/or complete strangers and bands (who I guarantee you have not and will not visit the myspace site to which their picture is posted on). SO until I see some real benifit in My Space, it will be to me what Oasis is to the 20 plus year olds... A complete mystery to which I will nod my head, and smile and express my enthusiasm to.. But I wont have a clue what the music/site is really like...

2006-03-19T20:31:00.000-08:00

And last but not least.. I am on a Timmy's protest!! for all of you unlucky coffee/cafemocha/hot chocoalte drinkers out there who have lost an unbelieveably rediculous number of times, this is for you!! I think odds wise, its almost impossible to have lost as many times as I have. Bad coffee karma apparently!!! With my night shifts I have purchased an obsenely high number of prize potential bevarages from Timmy's too.. But still no wins.... I think Timmy's should adopt the thought pattern of places like Coffee Time.. where everyone is a winner... I mean they could at least give you a free timbit... I mean who wouldn't love a timbit?? And yes I have purchased 1 timbit before.. Sometimes all you want is a bite, or something with sugar... And from a marketing perspective, most likely youre going to buy something else to go along with it.. So sales would increase, and losses would be minimal, seeing as timbits are around 15-16 cents to buy (even less to make). So yes... This is my little random rant in regards to contest cups at Timmy's and their ability to highlight my bad coffee cup karma!

2006-03-19T20:24:00.000-08:00

This was my fortune cookie from the Chinese food stop we made Post Concert. I actually got 2 fortunes in this cookie.. Both were about virtues... Are the cookies trying to tell me something??? Probably not, but theyre still fun to get.. My friend gave me his, but I convinced him to have a bit of one, as its bad luck to crack them and not eat them (so I have been told).

2006-03-19T20:22:00.000-08:00

A good friend of mine actually invited me to the Ben Lee concert.. I didnt even know it was occuring. It was great to go out with someone who I could just hang out with and enjoy music with.. It's funny too, because in this picture he looks like hes average height (on comparison to me) but in reality he's super tall.. That's him practically sitting.. Anyways, we went listened to the music, chatted with a couple concert goers, had some good super fast Chinese food afterwords, got an unfortunate parking ticket... and decided that there will be plenty of other concerts allong the way.. On a sad note, neither of us got ticket stubs.. I searched the floor for discarded stubbs with no luck (as did he).. But I did steal a napkin.. So HA! Ive got soemthing to commemorate the event.

2006-03-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine.. Ok a bit more than a friend of mine (in the past... A #2) always tried to get me to sing in the car with him.. For the life of me I wanted to sing along, (and I did for maybe two lines of a song or two), but I just couldnt bring myself to sing out loud. Sure I sing all the time in the car when Im by myself, and on occation with my sister or kelly... But not with him... Now all I want to do is go back in time and sing with him, because that is me... I love to be goofy in the car and sing along to silly songs.. But I have trouble letting that side show, as that's all Ive got.. I try now to sing randomly in the car... Its quite fun... And extra fun to the Backstreet boys (no Im not a fan). Everyone knows the lyrics, and everyone can bond over how silly it is, when a group like that is on the radio.. As a result I urge all of you to keep a cd with the BSB on it in your car at all times... Just in case you ever need to relieve tension in the car, or feel like changing things up... It can be your Emergency Release CD... It will work wonders I 100% guarentee it!

2006-03-19T20:04:00.000-08:00

I worked on St.Patty's day. Between you and I (and Im trying not to sound like a bah-humbug old person who cant have any fun) St. Patty's day is over rated. Standing outside in lines only to go inside a bar that is too full and drink just to drink.. For some reasong though I felt compelled to do something. It was almost as if I didn't do something I would officially considder myself "no fun". One of my friends came out with me for "just one drink" which we followed. I wish for the life of me taht I liked beer, simply becasue I LOVE the idea of drinking a green beer on a day of green. Something that isnt normally green. In the end, I got to hear some live Irish music, and have a good little chat (no waiting in a line). I'm glad I went out, and for this year St.Patty's day wasnt over rated, it was just nice... Nice to be out, nice to have fun, nice not to feel like Im a no fun old fuddy duddy...

2006-03-19T19:54:00.000-08:00

I thought I would include a picture of me in a skirt... Simply becasue it's a pretty rare event.. Not that its amazing like seeing a commet or something, but its definitly not the norm.. I have to admit too, I kinda liked the skirt... but thats just a little secret...

2006-03-19T19:51:00.000-08:00

Did yet another Nashville night.. Definitly cant have enough of them... We got our first shot boots, watched one tree hill at 3am, and ate french toast for breakfast.. Always good times with these girls.

2006-03-19T19:43:00.000-08:00

Trip #2 to London to visit S... Trip #1 of the year... It was a good time, we laughed about 30 calorie cereal bars, and mini sprite cans, I had some bad street meet, and my first digital camera met its premature end..

2006-03-19T19:33:00.000-08:00

I didn't realize how long it had been since I posted a picture. If you're like me, you probably skim the writing and focus on the pictures... They are the best part of blogs.. So Im going to put up a bit of a picture binge, as I have continued my picture taking fest... To start things off, another one of my random and slightly odd obsessions... candy apples in the form of random (sometimes scarry) animals... In this one there is a beaver whom I gave to L, and a bunny which I gave to my mother.. I have yet to eat one of these myself.. I dont think I ever will simply because the thought of eating a candy apple animal is disturbing to me.. Dont ask why because I have no answer for you.

Please no telephones and bumblebees!!

2006-03-16T20:20:00.002-08:00

Running used to be my escape. Lately I have wandered from running for a number of reasons including the weather. Another reason I haven't run recently is because my gym says that cardio will work against the strength training I am doing. They HATE cardio, so much so that they spell it wiht a "K" and claim that they don't even know how to spell it. This is bad for two reasons:

1) Is the ever so obvious use of the words "my gym says". It sounds like some crazy religion or cult has taken over my method of thinking.. Something that I hope never ever happens to me. If it does, I would hope people would drag me out of my bed while Im sleeping and throw me into a lake of freezing cold water while dangeling scarry things (like telephones, and bubmlebees) above my head until i snapped out of it. My gym has influenced me a bit, in the sence that I do TRY to eat a bit healthier (ie, no coke, ice cream and bacon sandwiches every day for breakfast). I occationally eat dare I say, salade and brocolie and tuna... But dont worry I still maintain my 4 pack of minieggs a day habit.. So all unhealthy parts of me are not lost.. I dont think I would be happy without some unhealthy habits. .. But I think its unhealhy too to start all sentences with "my gym" and to become so health concious that you will not endulge on occation.. I will never be this way... Well getting in shape is a priority for me right now, it doesnt ahve to be a new mind movement. I respect the gym, and I know that those guys know what they are doing. Essentailly they are right. Running does work against strength training, and it is not the best way to lose weight. This brings me to point 2...

2) Running for me keeps me in shape. I get out of shape and also *sometimes* ( as in this winter) gain weight. This happens to me because I have soo many thoughts in my head that I tend to sit around and think about them, and drain them out with an abundance of food. I ate a whole box of special "K" cerial in one day (and that was me trying to be healthy) I dgo through countless boxes of chocolates, cookies (especially those yummy girl guids cookies... which by the way taste great if put in the freezer!) Simply put, running gives me a chance to rid my mind of these thoughts and stress, and takes up the time that would otherwise be spent sitting in my room eating and listening to music. I don't care so much about the weight thing, if Im happy and fat, then so be it.. But no bag of cookies can ever solve stress problems... Running can. At least for me, running can. And so, while running may not solve the conventional weight problem and may be anti-strength traning for most people, it does teh opposite for me. I am not most people. It gets me off my ass, stops me from binging on oh so great foods, and frees me of stress. I think most logically when I run, and a great deal of my problems have been solved, or discarded by simply running around in circles. It may sound crazy, but it works. Plus it is productive, and can be turned into accomplishments ( like the marathon I ran). I wil run another marathon, hopefully in May. It isnt as soon as I would like, but it gives me time (in nicer weather) to get ready and train.. Which I need to do, as I have not been running recently.

On a side note, I just got invited to the Ben Lee concert on Sat. Soooo lucky am I. I cannot wait to go to this concert. I was quite happy (and set) to have a Sat of sitting around with the fam watching tv and doin not much at all.. Just about the only thing that could have broken those oh so exciting plans, was the proposition of an event of this kind. So I guess my next week is a musical adventure, as I am also going to see Oasis. I am happy to see Oasis, and I am sure they will be great. But Im not excited. I like them, I dont love them, and $80 for any band (with the exception of a small few) seems a little extreme to me. Mind you I would spend it on a country concert within 2 seconds .. So figgure that one out. My friend L is super excited though to see them, and so I am excited for her. i havent seen her very much recently, and I feel badly, because I havent been the greatest friend. I didnt do anything wrong, just havent been around to get into touch with. I find Im finally falling into place, and rediscovering what I like... And it's the simple stuff.. Hanging out at home, baking, watching movies, mini putting, going to the drive in with my family. I LIKE being a nerd. Its who I am. I just can't live the crazy bar every night life, without questioning myself. Without feelign like I have to re-think who I am.. When Im home and going to bon fires, and Ben Lee concerts and Car shows and baseball games, I never question myself, and always have a good time. L and I are sooo diferent. I like her and I want to be the greatest friend to her that she desserves. I have to kinda figgure out how to have her in my life without changing my stuff.. She does like to hang out and do some of the stuff I do, andmaybe its time I try to do more of that stuff when we hang out. Oasis is a good start. So for that I am excited for oasis.

Please no telephones and bumblebees!!

2006-03-16T20:20:00.001-08:00

2006-03-16T20:20:00.000-08:00

the colour tope in a black and white world...

2006-03-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

I went to see Failure to Launch. I had great expectations. A movie with Carrie, and Matthew Mchoweveryouspellhisname, and Terry Bradshaw is surely going to be nothing but the best most funny creation ever. Thoughts of the movie ending, and me sitting back in my oh so comfortable movie seat, while feeling that warm, secure and content feeling, envaded my mind before I even set footin the theater. I wanted, what I always want from a movie, to feel a connection with the characers. I also wanted to be reassured (by some manipulated and cinnamatically engineered story) that everything will be ok in the future.. After all there is always a happy ending, or at least an ending that fits the story. People don't always have to end up happy or toghether for the ending to seem right. It just has to fit. It is that fit, that is the reassurance that movies like this usually offer. Instead however, I just found t he movie predicatable, and not so funny.. The small funny moments, seemed super funny simply because not much was funny to begin with. It would kind of be like if you borught tope or beige into a world with no colour. Sure tope isnt the greatest or most colourful colour next to, say hot pink. Next to black and white it would, however, seem like the greatest colour creation ever! Thats what the humor was like in the movie.. Tope in a world of black and white.

On a side note, my sister and I got the kiddie combo. The most non-economical choice you could make.. I mean why get two large popcorns (that are both refillable by the way) and two medium cokes, when you can get two super small popcorns, a kool-aid drink in a thimble and a kinder egg surprise?? Obviously the kiddie combo is the greatest choice ever, if only for the collector pail and cup that come with them... That for the record my mom is going to scold me for bringing home, and most likely throw out.. It was, I have to admit, fun to buy the kids combo, that I used to always bug my parents for. Yes I was actually happy to get the pail. If this pail should happen to find its way to the garbage, I will most likely attempt to rescue it (and wash it). So Im left with the big decision next time I attend the movies.. Do I begin a collection of rediculously priced plastic pails or do I do the economically smart move and opt for boaring yet refillable popcorn and pop? I say I do whats fun... I never used to buy anything at the movies... SO I guess tecnically both options are economically worse than my prior self's choice...

I have a couple days off ahead of me (yay! new schedule!!) and in that time I will allow a huge friend from my past (at least one step) back into my life, I will get my picutre taken for my new volunteer possiotion and in doing so hand away 8 hours more of my free time. I will see a current friend and do something that is new to us and old to me, and I will go to the gym... Things are in motion, and all I had to do to get them to do that was sit still..

2006-03-09T18:33:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you just simply have to pick up the phone, only to hang it up. People spend way too much time trying to avoide saying what they are truly saying/thinking in an attempt to 1) make things easier on themselves and b) be nice. Sometimes the cold hard, and oh yes painful truth just has to be said. Why do we all (myself included) spend so much time and effort trying to avoid uncomfortable sitautions by dragging them on.. In the end if you arnt being honnest (and yes this includes ommtion of thoughts and feelings) then you're just making things ten times more complicated for everyone, yourself included. Yes you may come out looking like the nice one, and yes you probably will be able to say to your friends "oh gosh why don't they just figgure things out?" but YOU are the one causing it. Wouldn't it be better if you could save some form of common ground, in which no one came accross as "crazy" or "misguided" even if you did have to feel uncomfortable and like a jerk for a short time? I'm not above this. There have been times where people have called or sent me a msg where I have wanted to pull my hair out becuase they wouldnt leave me alone. It's just easier to say "call me tomorrow" as oppsoed to "you know what? I am just not that interested right now". Yes the second option sounds a lot meaner, but in the long run, if you said that straight out you'd probably run a lot better chances at being able to comfortably say "hi" when you ran into them at a public place over Christmas break. AND they wouldnt have to feel like a crazy person or like they did something wrong JUST because they took your words for 100% face value and, dare I say believed you. It just baffles me that I know all of this, and that I have been on both sides of it, and felt like total shit, and still I opt for treating others in exactly the same manner that made me feel like crap (and question myself) for a whole winter.... You think eventually at some point the cycle would change.... I hope my cycle does change. People can treat me like crap, and can make me fell like I did something wrong and analyze my actions all just so they feel liek they arnt a jerk... I will change this... Or at least I will force myself to be the one to absorb the uneasyness and say "hi" to them when I see them out at public functions... They are, after all, my actions (or lack of honesty and therefor action) that created these feelings of uneasyness in the first place.

So (even though I was not the one to create the uneasyness) and in stead was the one to feel badly and question my actions.... HELLO A#2. I had a fun summmer, and thats all it was. I know this now.. I just wish that there would be the potential for a HELLO in the future... just a hello..

A post thought and some advice...

2006-03-07T11:31:00.000-08:00

I ment to type this last night, as a pre-thought before I went out (not Out as in date) with J. Now it is going to be a post thought, plus an assignment.

Post thought:
I wish I liked J. To revise that statement, I wish I had wished last night was a date (but I didn't and still don't). Why is is that there can be someone totally great, who will inspire you to do new and fun things, and evoke interesting (as opposed to repetitive) conversations; who for whatever reason just doesnt cause those butterflys to happen? I sit here, and keep going on and on about all sorts of things, and yet right in front of my nose is this great person, and as hard as I wish, I just cant make those feelings happen. I did get this one second look that could be mistaken for eitehr a moment of complete insanity and uncertanty, or the hint of some form of feeling. It was just a second though, and it left quicker then it came. I know I'm not being fair to J too. I have told him that I can't see us ever dating (he asked, I explained). Maybe I'm getting what I want and I just cant see it... A guy friend 100% with whom I can hang out and do great things, and there are no expectations. Maybe I am just imagining these expectations (they did used to be there because it was brought up) now. I am going to stop feeling guilty and just enjoy his company, without feeling like there either has to be something more or nothing at all. I like having guy friends and constantly complain that people have way too many pre set expectations and requirements when guys and girls are simply just friends. Last night was fun too. J made me dinner (which was really really good). It was fish and this wild rice, with apple pie for dessert! YUM! I always luck out at his house. I got a full out football feast another time (read: nachos with that totally disgusting but toatlly amazing cheeze that you heat up in the micro, cookies, a ceasar to drink fully equiped with a celery stick, and a whole bunch of other good food). And my favourite meal of all at his house: a bowl of cereal after an early morning run we went on. It was great because it was simple. We sat around and watched early morning tv, and ate tonz of cereal together (no I did not drink the milk in the bowl Yick!). Anywas, afterwords we went shopping, he got a t-shirt and I got a whole bunch of stuff. I broke my bank account in less the 2 hours. Well I spent $192. WHich for me is a hard amout of money to part with (especially over clothes) when Im trying to save... Gotta get back to stashing all my cash away! The worst part was trying on the clothes, because as soon as I got into the change room I had to go to the bathroom oh so badly. If you are skilled enough to try on jeans/skirts while having to go to the bathroom sevearly badly, I salute you! J tried on a bunch of clothes as well.. Then we went home, and he invited me in to watch some tv. At first I said "yes" but after the 20 minute ride home of thinking about it, I decided to just go home. And that was my night of shopping/dinner with J.

And now for the assignment: Write yourself advice at an earlier age... My age would be my 22/23 year (years for me are still in school year format so I was both 22 and 23 in that year...
-Save yourself a lot of time and thought and just tell A how you feel, he feels the same way..
-dont worry too much about the future of you and A, concentrate on what you have now, and enjoy it, things wont always stay the same.
- dont let others especially A pressure you into analyzing your every action. You will spend lot of time trying to be the person that you were/are in later years. You like yourself, so if others dont, tough bananas to them!
-coach that kids t-ball team with A. You will always wonder why you didnt, and kick yourself for not doing that.
-speak up for yourself. If you think there is something wrong, say so. People wont change or attempt to solve problems if they dont know the problem exists in the first place. They arnt fortune tellers
-going back to school was a great decision. You are on a good path. Stay there. Put a little more effort into the gym class, it will foil your 4.0 if you dont.
-Start running, you think you hate it, but you dont. You will find it will help you get rid of a lot of stress and confusion.
-Stick with going to the gym, don't put your stuff on hold for someone else.
-Play a sport, you'll miss the sports in later years.
-Hang out with your family more, you'll find you like being with them a whole lot more than you thought. Go to the cottage, go to Boston (this will be an amazing trip for you!) just hang out.
-spend time with Kelly, she will leave for Japan and then Alberta, so you wont see her as much as you would like in the future. Chris will drive you a little crazy, but he wont always... So let her enjoy him, because in the end, you dont mind him.
-Your car will break down and die if you dont keep adding oil!!! This will cause you to have 3 months of hell, which will eventually end up with A putting enormous amounts of pressure on you, and eventually you asing for space, whcih in turn leads to the demise of your relationship with A. ALl over you being too damn lazy to put oil in your car. It is perticuluarly necessary for you to put oil in the car when you go to Matts house/Toronto the day before mothers day! Either don't go, or put oil in the car.
-If the car does die - it is not the end of the world. Dont fell like a child just because you dont have a car - that is childish.
- Your parents don't want you to choose a car that is cheap they want you to pick one that you want (a black Dodge Dakota) it may take a while, and you may want to hurt them, but it will be solved in one random lunch in Swiss Chalet. Until then, survive without a car.. It's not the end of the world like you think it is.
- Ignore your mother's interfearance in your relationships. SHe wont see what she's doing. Getting mad and withdrawing, will not change this.
-If you work hard with your Policing Contest group you will win the contest. Stick with the hard workers in your class, you will grow with them, and become good friends. Its a good choice.
- the big thing though is... Just be yourself, and be content with who you are. Make choices to advance yourslef and not always the easy ones. Life does not revolve around A, adn if he dumps all of his insecurities on you (tell him, or just hand them right back) he will always be special to you and vice versa, but he wont necessairly play the role you hope/think/want him to.

Are you achin'? for some bacon???

2006-03-05T20:19:00.000-08:00

Wow. So I havent been on here in ages. I have decided that it is absolutly necessary to rid myself of the habit of using "u" to type "you". It's lazy and immature and just generally annoying. I came to this conclusion while reading an article in the news paper (yes I read it just about every day) about today's youth. This is a habit that has evolved over the years, and thus, I do not envision it as being the easiest habit to rid myself of. I will return to normal words and not just the use of certain letters in the alphabet that just happen to represent sounds that are also words.

Part 2
Last ngiht I went out to Nashville again with 2 of my friends. It was great. I stayed in my pjs as long as I possibly could. And then... We went. We danced. We had a few drinks (mostly just to get the little boot shot glass that you get when you buy a shot from the shot girl). We came home. We ate pepper jack chips, ben and jerries Half Baked ice cream (we were not half baked, that is the type of ice cream). We watched One Tree Hill at 2am. We took silly pictures. We slept, and then had amazing French Toast for breakfast. It could not have been a better (or needed) weekend.
Why then does this make me feel sad? I know every weekend can't be like this. I don't expect every weekend to be like this one. I just want to be able to be simple, to like simple things, to simply be myself. I guess really I want not to feel compelled to complain. I have become a complainer. This is not an attractive quality.. To my credit, I have a bunch of "me" events planned in the near future. I am going to the Jay's opener on April 4th and will be fully decked out in Jays attire (and tattoos if I can find them) . I also have tickets for the Yankee;s game.. They never dissapoint. I am also going to the Oasis concert, and I have tickets to another concert (which Im going to with the brother yay!). I went to the Auto Show with the brother last week, which was tons of fun. We saw a lot of cars and had some really good food. I also rediscovered my love for milkshakes from mcDonnalds.. If you have not had one in a while, HAVE ONE! they will not dissapoint! On the topic of food, I am back up to 4 packs of mini eggs a day. My addiction (that I tried so hard to kill) has returned. Its a love I cannot deny! Thank goodness though that they take them away from circulation after Easter or I would be in big trouble!! I say that like I watch what I eat (or care). I am the most unhealthy eater possible. People laugh at this statement and discount it as a self concious confession. If they only knew. People who have been around me for a full day (or my family) will definilty confirm this claim though. Truthfully, its not something to be proud of. For me though, it's not something that is going to change (temp maybe, but not permanently). THere will be weeks where I will pull up my socks and eat some veggies here and drink some milk there. But in the end its coke and smartie pancakes for breakfast, dessert for dinner and bacon sandwiches for good measure! thsi week will be interesting, as I begin my 7 nights of nights. I will attempt to write a blog near the end of it (actually I will force myself) to document just how loopey I become. For the record I will be fully awake and alert while at work, but at home (when off duty)) that will be another story completely. Hopefully it will make for some itneresting typing at least. Till then....

Baby steps

2006-02-12T20:23:00.000-08:00

That is it!! My inability to be productive, and choice to sit here and wallow in what I've lost is unacceptable. Last year was productive and great, and I will not have this year be any less. Who cares is some boy who I just happen to care for cant see me the same way? If I just sit around, Im just proving him right in the sence taht I was not worth putting the effort into keeping. I want to be a keeper, if only for myslef. When the first A and I broke up I went into a tailspin of production and self growth. It was great,I stayed the same, but progressed. This time around with A #2, has not started that way, but it will finnish that way.. And if he comes back, and ignores me and acts like a jerk, then that is his choice. But my choice is to be the girl that I have been and am going to be, and to not notice if he ignores me (to care about him still yes, and think positivly of what was there, and who he is) but to be immersed in what is and not what was.

The script it called for rain, but it was clear that day... so we faked it..

2006-02-04T14:13:00.000-08:00

Well its the weekend, and low and behold.... I actuallly have it off!!! Yes, you read right, off... Meaning no work, just freedom to do whatever I could possibly want to do. This is a rare occation for me. An occation that I am sure I will not use to its full potential... But that is fine with me, because it is still my free weekend!!! I do have plans. I am supposed to go to Nashville (bar) tonight for some line dancing, and then hang out with thefamily all tomorrow watching the superbowl. The superbowl with the family will happen 100%, my brother's appearance at the family viewing of the superbowl is the only thing up in the air. I hope he comes. H'es 19, and I know he has "cooler" things to do, but it will not be the same without him. He completes the family feeling of the family event. Nashville I would say has a 48% chance of actually comming about. The trip to Nashville is dependant on two other people who could at any second make or break the plans (theyre just those type of plans.. not the people). I'm a last minute, no big deal kinda person anyways. I like goin out, but I like staying in, so really its win win for me.

I spent all week playing video games with my brother. More specifically, playing Mario Go-Cart. After beating all three of the levels (mushroom, flower and star cup) plus "Special Cup" on 50, 100 and 150cc, I was given the added task of beating "Everything Cup" on 50, 100, 150 cc... For those of you who dont know, "Everything Cup" means all of the levels for each level.... So basically 16 races of comming in first times three. That is a lot of Tv time! More time Ive spent in front of a TV in the past couple of months combined! But I am driven to win this damn game, and of course my brother is on the bandwagon, ready to crush that game so we can get every special car and character it has to give! On the topic of video games, Im not really too sure how much I like the newer systems (Xbox 360 etc) with the exception of the rare sporting game or an old game re-released for the new system... The games, and the drive to beat every game just isnt there like it is/was with nintendo, super nintendo, game cube and nintendo 64... I did find a great deal of entertainment in XBox live, and the ability to talk to random people who were trying to kick the crap out of you in Mech Assault... I dont think I will ever forget hearing about some guys trip to Archensaw (I cant spell) for Christmas while running around a map in some crazy meh ( I believe I was a bobcat).. Too much fun.. The games now are too complicated... I like my mario cart, and Super Mario 3 and Blades of Steel and Puch Out. Quality Quality games... oh and Family Feud

On a side note, now there are 2 songs for sure that can make me cry upon hearing the first verse... There are no memories that evoke these tears, no reason for the tears, just the instant and uncontrollable response of tears, from a girl who doesnt cry over many things... There must be some wire in my brain that becomes disconnected when they are played.. I have no explanation for it.... So now "Leaving on a Jet Plane" (which has made me cry since I was about 3 years old, and no there was no fear of abandonment in me at that age) and Private Mallone (a country song about a car left behind by a guy who went off to war and didnt come home)... I guess I do see a trend, people going away and never comming back.. BUt in that song it's not the leaving that makes me sad, or the fact that the guy died, it's the fact that he loved something that he left behind in an unselfish way, and someone else finds that and loves it equally, and the two of them share that even though they have never met.. its a happy sad kind of cry for that song. i warned you I was weird..

and yes this triggers another thing.. the whole "weirdness" factor. I was talking to my partner at work and he thought I was weird because I go shopping, and out in PJ's in general.. What he found even more strange is the fact that if I buy a shirt I really really like I will go to the washroom in the mall and change into that shirt becuase I cant wait to get home to wear it. I think thats pretty normal to me.. Not to him though. He also thought it was weird that I could have a crush on someone and have no intrest in ever talking to them or meeting them, and would actually go out of my way to NOT run into them. He asked me how I would ever meet anyone, and how I ever planned on getting married. Marriage is truthfully slightly on my mind as I enter my older years, but its still not a priority and while I would never enter a relationship that I thought didnt have the potential to last forever, marriage woudnt be my goal. Its funny, I guess I've just learned taht with me I cannot have a pre-defined end, but I do not expect a guaranteed future, just the knowledge taht it could run it's course wherever and whatever that may be. Marriage is just scarry to me, somthing that is too much to bring to a relationship as it would kill all the fun stuff that relationships have to offer.. I try not to bog down my brain with thought like that, it's filled up enough as it is.

On the topic of weird and crazy still.. I did do my first recognized "crazy" and unexplainable thing. At least since October. I was talking to the old "a" on msn, and for the record we have talked the past couple of days. The conversations were good, normal, fun, easy, we followed our normal routien of exchanging oppinions on tv shows, and recommending/sending songs. We talked about me, and what I was doing ( he talks about himself, but he's a tricky one, wont give away too much, he's very secretive.. still hasnt told me about the gf.. what a nut!). I told him about country music, and he mentioned nashville and going there. For whatever reason, I can talk to him on msn all I want, say whatever I want, but I still have no desire to see him in person, ever. When I found out he wont be going to Nashville in any time soon, the reaction on my part was filled with 100% relief! And after our conversation ended I blocked him on my msn. That to me is strange, or at least it would appear strange from his perspective. You start talking to someone who you have known forever, its comfortable, there is no bittterness, just the calmness that accompanies talking to someone you have known forever, then the option of actually seeing eachother comes up, and *poof* the person becomes uneasy, and then you are blocked. I just cant/wont talk to him in person. It brings back a realness. And I know that we do not fit together, but knowing that doesnt change the fact that I would go back to that world. Cant bring myself to cut him out completely, but I cant have him back completely either. One day I will be able to delete him. I guess its just the thought that if I delete him , it would make him not exist, and in that action everything taht occured between us would also sease to exist. I dont want to forget. 9 years of knowing him, it's sooo hard to give up something like that, and it's sooo hard to find. And for the record, if I did delete him, that would be the end. There's nothing left to take, but soo much (it seems) to give away.

You don't know me... Like you knew me..

2006-01-30T21:05:00.000-08:00

Argh. Let me just say that. Again drawn back to thoughts of what once was, and what never will be, by some damn random comment, by the same old A (old, not the one from summer). I know now for sure that when you truly 100% like someone. Scratch that, love... yes love... It never goes away. My name on msn tonight was "I am NOT 19" and of course, seeing as we used to always joke about who looked younger, and the fact that I was 4 months older (not 5!) he felt the need to write me a little message. O.K. so I can honnestly say that my name was not bait for a random comment from him (those days are long since over). I wasnt tremendously surprised to see the lil light on my msn bar start to flash however.... What did surprise me was the comment, and even more so my instant reaction.... He said "I wish you were 19" to which I thought, "if that is all I need to maake things the way they were, than that too is my wish." I really do miss him. As a boyfriend yes, but more so as a friend. I dont think anyone has ever known me so well.. I sometimes wonder if anyone will know me like he did, or if I will know anyone as well as I knew him... I am jelous of the fact that he will probably know someone else better than he now knows me, and that that person will in turn get to see the side of him that I felt privledge to see/know. Im sure if I sat down and tried, I could write this better, and my words would seem like a song, so clever and so perfect, but that's not what comming out right now for whatever reason... I will always remember those nights in my car, and the way we could read eachother so well, that a single look, or the position in which we sat in the car, gave away far more than any words ever could. I miss the innocence... I miss the simplicity that I felt. I miss the fact that we could hang out for countless hours and just sit there like little puppies in a box. and I felt like a little puppy in a box... Nothing ever felt wrong with him, I never questioned our relationship.. . But in that statement, I also see our decline. He wants the one thing that I can never be, and he holds it above my head.. He alsmost dangles memories above me, saying "if only you were..." and I would be anything that I could be for him... but I cant be that. and so.. the innocence and the simplicity are replaced, with the complex relationship that sits before us... vicious circles... gotta love em... i know I wont ever get it back, but it's fun to remember.. painful yes, but nice to know I had someting that will remain special regardless of the complications that it caused...

Real Version: "Sometimes I think Im the only cab driver around" my version "Sometimes I think I'm the only cowboy in Rome"

2006-01-21T19:50:00.000-08:00

I prefer my lyrics to the song. The difference in words does however, explain why I spent countless hours (without success) trying to find the name of that perticular song. Good thing I realized this before someone caught me singing along to the song.... Thiugh they would have to catch me, as I struggle to sing in front of real people.

I, again, havent posted in a while. I am tired all the time, and still feel rather numb. There are periods where this numbness is taken away. The problem is that I haven't solved the deep rooted problem, and in stead have resorted to quick solutions like eating excessive amounts of chocolate, buying summer clothes, listening to new music, and (now) complaining about it on the internet. I must admit that one of the nice by-products of this despearte attempt at temp happiness is the discovery of the most comfortable hoodie that I have seen/worn in a long time. The "Clemson" hoodie has reason to be worried, as it could be knocked down to the rank of 2nd fav hoodie. Hoodies are fab, like corn fields and country music they give me that warm comfortable, feel safe anywhere kinda feeling. They are me, the true me.

Some good things have happened. I am happier at work. I don't mind the job as much. I have made plans to go to London with my "grounded" friends, which will be a good time regardless of where we end up or what we end up doing. I talked to an old friend and made plans to climb the CN tower in the spring, which I am very excited about. I also foudn the most amazing pair of Carebear socks (I got 3 pairs, one Im giving to a friend though). I got tickets to go see Oasis ( a concert that I tried and failed to see last summer). I am not the biggest Oasis fan, but I love live music, and their old an classic songs, are fun to sing. I have grown an addiction for buying random "animal" candy apples. I have never eaten the candy apples myself. SO far I have gotten 2 reindeer ones for Kelly and SUha at Christmas, as well as a bunny and a beaver, as well as a regular red candy apple (all for other friends). My addiction to mini eggs has returned again (with the easter season). This is good as it reminds me that some things about myself will never change, regardless of my state of mind. No one can take away my mini egg addiction, where each person who sells them to me eventually feels compelled to comment at the rapid rate in which the number of packs I buy a day is increasing.

I think I am still uneasy because of a number of reasons. The main one though is that I think I still feel like things are unresolved with A. I think knowing that if I were to attempt to resolve things that there is no way to come out without looking crazy, and essentially comming out worse than I started. While I obviously still like him and am still stuck at this point, I realize that we wont end up "dating". What I really want is just to know that he knows that I liked him (which I think he does), and that that is ok, and that it does not go beyond that, there are no more expectatons on my part, no more attachment will occur. I want him to be at the point where if he does see me around he can say "hi", without fearing that I will chase him like the crazy girl that I believe he believes me to be. (say that 5 times fast). I wish there were an uncrazy way to say "hey, I liked you. yes I become way too attached and way too optomistic to see that all I was to you was a summer thing. Yes you were right that distance doesnt work. Yes we only hung out for a couple of weeks, and I should have known that it wouldnt last. Yes I knew it wouldnt last, but I am not the temp kinda girl, I cant allow myself to be myself around someone when there are time restraints (the old A taught me that there is too much risk, too much to lose, for such a temp high) yes I called you longer than I should have, and yes deep down I knew I should stop. But I liked the feeling of likeing someone again. I liked the fact that I could truley and innocently like someone other than the other a. " I wish I could say "Im sorry for making you feel aquard around me. Im sorry for making you feel like you can't say "hi" to me when you see me, without me expecting a relationship or a phone call or an advancment of some kind in reutrn." I WISH A "HELLO" COULD JUST BE A "HELLO" BETWEEN US AGAIN. and I wish that we could talk about the Jays, and how they are going to have an amazing team this year, and that our investment in jays hats was the best investment ever, or recomend a movie like "Lord of War" or "Crash" or "Chronicles of Narnia". Or taht I could ask about his school, sports, life without it seeming like I had alterior motives. Or tell him that "Tequilla makes her clothes fall off" is a great song. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO COMPLEX? and why does the only solution to this problem seem to be to let it go? To let myself appear as "Crazy" to a peroson who I truly do care about, who I turly do respect and wish the best for? IT stinks, and I think my frusteration with this fact, is why I am mentally draining myself. I have always been the girl who isnt crazy, who sees things clearly, and who handles (the only one Ive had so far other than whatever this is) breakups well. Why, is it when I actually try to make things ok, and actually put some effort int maintaing a decent friendship that it crumbles to pieces, and with others (who I do care about but to a much lesser extent) I can maintain and actaully have a friendship flourish without the least of effort. Is not caring and appearing completely indifferent the only way to go? Argh. I need to move on, and allow this situation to die. Hopefully at least then I will lose the crazyness that has invaded my brain, the cost (which is far more than I would have liked) is payable, and comes (I should say came, as Ihave already payed it) in the form of a lost friendhip/relationship. I would do anyting to fix this, but anything will in essance only make matters worse. Live and learn.

On a side note, I realiezed last week that I am now scared of doorbells. This combined with my fear of the phone, led to quite the conundrum last week (but that is another story). I think it must be some form of a fear related to things that ring. Food for thought.

5 year olds at country bars...

2006-01-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

I haven't written on here in a while. A while meaning over a week *I believe*. I'm not sure if my absence on this page has been because I've been busy (with gym, work, friends) or if I got caught up in a cycle; in which yammering on and on about the same thing with different words, just didn't fit in. I still feel lost. I still feel like an important part of myself is missing. I think going through cycles like the one I was just in (and not yammering on and on) allows me to temp forget that there's something that needs to be fixed. Maybe I hope that by not thinking about it, it will in esssance fix itself. It will fix itself without thought, if my patterns change. I esentially have to stop trying to produce a person whom I believe others what to see, and instead, be myself, which is who I want to be. My hair is going back to blonde, my eyebrows are growing in, and I stopped myself from buying an exessivly expensive pair of jeans ($300) .. Id say that's a good start.
I worry way too much what others think, when in essance I deep down don't care at all. I care what others think not because I want to impress them, or appear superior, but because I want them to be happy, and I want to be liked. Everyone wants to be liked. This is a normal human condition. In the end though (it took me 3 attempts to type that "though" correctly) not everyoen is going to be happy, and not everyone is going to like you, if you are yourself. I tend to morph myself to fit others, which makes it a lot easier to make everyone happy. In the end I have learned that the people whom I like being with the most, would probably be happier if I put my foot down on certain issues instead of always bending to make things easier, even if we do clash on occation. Grow a backbone I must, but without losing my "easygoingness".

I bought tickets for some crazy concet in April. Im going with my brother and his friend. I believe there is going to be a lot of "screaming music" there. I have heard most of the groups that are playing. I like their stuff. Most of their stuff. Ok, some of their stuff (alot) and some not so much. It will be an experience. I believe it will end up like this: My brother and his friend in the mosh pit all night. Me in the corner trying not to get hurt by all the people jumping up and down and ramming into eachother. I have been in a mosh pit once. I stayed for 3 songs, after which I realized that my focus was on staying standing and not getting trampled as opposed to the live music which I had come to see. I ended up in the corner, hapily leaning agains a wall listening to music. THe group was Weezer (blue album tour). yes this was most likely a low-key mosh pit. The april concert wont be so gentle I imagine. My "old person" corner possition will suit me just fine.

I'm going to Nash on the weekend as well. I don't know why, but this place makes me forget everything. Country in genereal just makes me happy like nothing else. I just wanna jump up and down the whole time. Its honneslty like Im 5 years old again, and there are no problems, and everything is simple, I dont care who is watchign, Im not there to meet boys, and really dont care if Im the only one there. The friends who I go with are great too, theyre there with the same perspective: just there to be there. I think thats a great thing. I am absolutly terrible at the line dancign, always looking at someone else to learn the steps (I have learnt before) and occationally if you watch me you will notice that I am constantly losing my balance. Basically if someone standing beside me were to take their weakest finger and poke me on the shoulder, Id go crashing down onto the floor. I still love it. And if I look like an idiot, thats fine because this idiot is having a great time....

There's noting but time and a face to lose....

2006-01-04T21:50:00.000-08:00

In an attempt to be healthy (no not for some silly new years resolution that I will not keep) on a temporary basis I have taken up drinking water. I say this like I just joined a team or something. In truth this "healthy venture" was started up after watching all my co-workers drink what seemed like endless buckts of whater. Now my room is littered with empty Nestly "Pure Life" water bottles. Thank's guys! I think also thanks to this new "venture" I have ingested a small lake. Definitly more water than a pond, but not quite enough to say Lake Ontario or an ocean. That would take a year of pure dedication. Dedication that I do not have the motivation to maintain. The drinking of water won't last, I'd actually be surprised if it went on past the weekend. Then my room can go back to displaying it's normal array of coke cans and bottles. It does feel nice to do something that is actually considered positive for my health.

On another topic. A topic slightly more serious than the drinking of small lakes out of "Nestle Pure Life" bottles. I think I've concluded that my life has become stagnent. In allowing my life to become stagnent I have allowed myself to slip into a daze in which I am actually kind of sad, but I cant/wont admit it. I'm still in the aftermath of September and I should not be. Gosh who knew the month of august and the extreme happpiness it gave me would be so damn expensive in the long run. I'd still do it again, but gosh I want to be happy again. I actuallly just want to be myself again, as taht is happy to me. I don't liek my job, and I'm tired all the time because of this job that I dont like. 3 months left to go and then I can find a new job, which should help, but Im not waiting 3 months to be happy, I can only sit in this unconcious state for so long before I willl go crazy. A friend of mine had a very similar year. Lucky for her shes only 19 and has years and years of being a kid left before she reaches my "puma" state. She has a blog that people actual read. Imagine that! People reading what is written, now there's an idea! Anyways, (focus) she went through every month and concluded that a) she had come away with nothing from the year. I contest this. She made new friends, fell in like (love is just such a scarry word) and yes she got hurt, but damn it was good while it lasted, she finnished her first year of university. I'd say it was really a good year for her. Why do we always sell ourselves short (myself included)? I actually think this was a great year for myself. It was in the very least a productive year in which a lot of tasks were accomplished. Yes I lost more than I would have liked (silly boys and their way to stand out) but it was a risk I took and I'd take it again. Ok now on to her advice (I told you I needed to focus) She said that what she learned this year was thtat mistakes will be made, and things may not turn out, but life is long enough that there will always be other chances and new events in which things can be tried again. She also went on to say that she had prayed for time to pass quickly at certain points throughout the year, and that it was more important in the end to slow down and enjoy things while they lasted. I am definlty guilty of praying to the time lords for time to fly by, and I've found various methods to accomplish this task. If, for instance, you get into a set routien day after day, time flys by as it's all the same. This comes with a huge price. The price is a numbness that slowly invades your system. Nothing stands out, nothing is ever new, yes there is no regression, but there is also no advancment. So in conclusion, while I may be a couple years older than my friend, I too am adopting the idea that even the rough times deserve their chance to be "enjoyed" and simply roads of cycle days and the numbness that they bring should be avoided, as its hard to slow down once youve sped up. After all the only thing youre really losing in the end is time and a face, and there's nothing you can do about that. May as well enjoy it while you have it!

2006-01-03T11:30:00.000-08:00

S and I having sushi.. Ive had it a ton of times, but her and i both spit out this one kind... it was definitly not for us.. put it in a napkin and then in a bowl.. ha ha

2006-01-03T11:26:00.000-08:00

Kelly and I for our big new years eve.. Ie. Sushi at 7:00 followed by movies at s's house, and then movies at kellys.. and of course Pj's and hoodies all around.