5 year olds at country bars...

I haven't written on here in a while. A while meaning over a week *I believe*. I'm not sure if my absence on this page has been because I've been busy (with gym, work, friends) or if I got caught up in a cycle; in which yammering on and on about the same thing with different words, just didn't fit in. I still feel lost. I still feel like an important part of myself is missing. I think going through cycles like the one I was just in (and not yammering on and on) allows me to temp forget that there's something that needs to be fixed. Maybe I hope that by not thinking about it, it will in esssance fix itself. It will fix itself without thought, if my patterns change. I esentially have to stop trying to produce a person whom I believe others what to see, and instead, be myself, which is who I want to be. My hair is going back to blonde, my eyebrows are growing in, and I stopped myself from buying an exessivly expensive pair of jeans ($300) .. Id say that's a good start.
I worry way too much what others think, when in essance I deep down don't care at all. I care what others think not because I want to impress them, or appear superior, but because I want them to be happy, and I want to be liked. Everyone wants to be liked. This is a normal human condition. In the end though (it took me 3 attempts to type that "though" correctly) not everyoen is going to be happy, and not everyone is going to like you, if you are yourself. I tend to morph myself to fit others, which makes it a lot easier to make everyone happy. In the end I have learned that the people whom I like being with the most, would probably be happier if I put my foot down on certain issues instead of always bending to make things easier, even if we do clash on occation. Grow a backbone I must, but without losing my "easygoingness".

I bought tickets for some crazy concet in April. Im going with my brother and his friend. I believe there is going to be a lot of "screaming music" there. I have heard most of the groups that are playing. I like their stuff. Most of their stuff. Ok, some of their stuff (alot) and some not so much. It will be an experience. I believe it will end up like this: My brother and his friend in the mosh pit all night. Me in the corner trying not to get hurt by all the people jumping up and down and ramming into eachother. I have been in a mosh pit once. I stayed for 3 songs, after which I realized that my focus was on staying standing and not getting trampled as opposed to the live music which I had come to see. I ended up in the corner, hapily leaning agains a wall listening to music. THe group was Weezer (blue album tour). yes this was most likely a low-key mosh pit. The april concert wont be so gentle I imagine. My "old person" corner possition will suit me just fine.

I'm going to Nash on the weekend as well. I don't know why, but this place makes me forget everything. Country in genereal just makes me happy like nothing else. I just wanna jump up and down the whole time. Its honneslty like Im 5 years old again, and there are no problems, and everything is simple, I dont care who is watchign, Im not there to meet boys, and really dont care if Im the only one there. The friends who I go with are great too, theyre there with the same perspective: just there to be there. I think thats a great thing. I am absolutly terrible at the line dancign, always looking at someone else to learn the steps (I have learnt before) and occationally if you watch me you will notice that I am constantly losing my balance. Basically if someone standing beside me were to take their weakest finger and poke me on the shoulder, Id go crashing down onto the floor. I still love it. And if I look like an idiot, thats fine because this idiot is having a great time....