It's been a while. Ok, it's really been more than a while. Possibly a year. While it's been a year since I have posted, there have been times that I have felt the need to write. I just haven't. I lost myself this year. Sometimes losing yourself is a great thing. To immerse yourself in something fully to the point that you see it for all its worth is an amazing experience. HOWEVER there are limits, and lines to engulfing yourself completely in something. The consequence:blindness, the inability to think or act clearly. I have been in that state for quite some time. I have been waiting for something that I know deep down will never come. I have lost piece by piece parts of myself. The cost of waiting. A cost that in small amounts seems like a bargin. As a whole, however, the price is not worth the benefit. ITs high time to once again reassess, find new hobbies, become myself again. BE PRODUCTIVE.

3 does not mean 5

Ok so I guess I should read my own rules prior to writing. TO be honnest, coing up with 3 significiant events for 1984 was rather difficult, as I was too young at that point to remember much of anything. Comming up with 5 events would have been hard task at best. If I remember anything else from the year I was 3, I wil complete the list. For now.. On to the next writing mission.



"List 100 of your favorite things."



1. Bacon

2. the smell of tennis ball containers

3. Pictures/photography

4. Shoe laces

5. Punctuation

6. My Little Ponies

7. Cerial cartoons (Tony the Tiger, Tucan Sam etc.)

8. Blue

9. The word "conumdrum"

10. Patterned socks

11. Soundtracks to movies.

12. Trucks

13. The number 5

14. Mini eggs

15. Cow emergancy boxes

16. Garden State

17. Road trips

18. Secret thinking spots

19. The rain.

20. Driving wihtout using windshield wipers

21. Doing cores on the golf course.

22. Comming home.

23. The moment right after the rain stops.

24. Being the "dashboard drumer"

25. Forts made out of bed sheets

26. Shirly Temples

27. The Traveling Willburrys (spelling?)

28. Daisys

29. Things I hate.

30. Shooting stars

31. Pinkey swears

32. Slipn' Slide

33. The Blue Jays

34. My Clemson hoodie

35. Pop Rocks

36. Newport Beach not California.

37. The Royal Winter Fair

38. Smog (when paired with creme egg flurries, and Easter)

39. The Polar Bear Dip

40. Roy Orbison's "You Got It"

41. Grade 2

42. Word Play

43. Pumpkin Pie Blizzards for breakfast

44. Furry boots.

45. 5 cent candies

46. recently lit matches/ cigars

47. Monopoly

48. Tag

49. Sitting in a room you just cleaned.

50. Thunderstorms

51. Smart cookies

52. Wheres Waldo

53. Polka-dots

54. READING the news

55. Douglas Coupland

56. "The Adventures of Megan and Sixth Sence" comic book

57. Black and White

58. Being underneath a light Christmas Tree

59. Clearly my family

60. The possibility of change

61. The comfort of old friends

62. Donkey gloves

63. The Chipmunks Adventure

64. My inability to navagate

65. The "J Craft"

66. Bubbles in my car.

67. Sleeping bags

68. Red Powerade

69. Today's Special

70. Cheap (Baby Duck) Champagne

71. Post-it notes

72. Over sized Towels

73. Flip flops

74. People who dont use/carry a purse

75. Pockets

76. Coloured ink/smelly markers

77. Pond hockey

78. Early morning practices

79. Home made cards

80. Roll up the rim to win/ monopoly at McD's

81. Flavoured coffee

82. Rocks

83. Running

84. Chasing elk

85. Timothy Findley

86. Christmas trees in july

87. Rope Swings

88. Kinder Egg trips

89. square roots

90. the airport

91. Treasure hunts in the form of golf balls

92. (this is hard by the way) Things that challenge you

93. Forgotten fav songs/memories etc

94. My 1999 year book

95. pony pj's

96. Gifts from my father

97. windows

98. Cold water

99. light dimmers

100. Board Shorts

Sometimes you Just Have to Make the Word Up.

The title has no clever attachment to what I am going to write below. IT was simply sparked by a desperate attempt (on my part) to find an adjective to describe a certain event that occured today. Sometimes, it's not a limited vocabulary on the speaker's part, but instead; a lack of case specific words within the english vocabulary. Porobably, more accuratly, it's my lack of an extensive vocabulary. I blame my grade school teachers for this. OK really I blame myself for not having the foresight in regards to the need for multiple words for the same thing. Well the same, and yet ever so slightly different thing. RANDOM FACT SPARKED BY THIS THOUGHT: Every language strives to extend ones options in regards to speach, except for one: NEWSPEAK. This vocabulary was formed with the intention to simplify, and shrink the language. Know who created it? (you get a prize if you do) George Orwell (in 1984). You learn a new thing every day. This can be your new thing; unless (of course) you won the prize mentioned above.

Assignment of the day:
List five important things in your 1984. These are things that had a major impact on you during the year 1984. They can be personal, political, cultural, animal or whatever. Each important event should be summarized in one sentence.

1. I was introduced to the toy which would essentially monopolize my toy selection for years to come: My Little Pony.
2. I lost my "only child" status.
3. My first real attempt to formally learn to read was discouraged by my preschool teacher, sparking a revolt in regards to reading for years to come.

I'm going to try to do a thought prevoking activity every day in an attempt to keep my mind active. Here's to the hopes that it actually works, and that I actually follow thru.

faulty forgiveness

Today was long and boaring. When I say boaring, I mean the mind numingly, slam your head against a wall, stupid insignificant actions become significiant kind of boardom. I do believe it (the boardom) was self inflicted. I have allowed (more specifically held) myself at a stagnant point (subconciously) to force an issue to be addressed. What do you do when you get along with everyone, but no one seems to get along? I live my life in the grey. I live my life in a world where to forgive may not be to forget, but it is positively a potential. Why then, can those I have chosen to forgive not do the same to others? Is a world of black and white really that great? Does this world without shade really offer such benifits, that it's worthwhile to refrain exploring any other palate? Granted self preservation is a priority, and past behaviour a predictor of future actions. BUT don't people pride themselves, and often pat themselves on the back for their ability to learn (and therefore change) from experience. It's this action (with others of course) that sets us appart. Isn't it also somewhat arrogant to refrain from allowing appologies? BECAUSE what happens when you are the one offering the appology... What then? You'd better hope that their principles regarding such remorse are not the same as your own. AND let's face it, at some point in time (most likely many times) you are going to commit some act that requires compassion...

(SO to the person who sparked this thought .. but who will never see this... I ask you, for gosh darn sake.. FORGIVE already. I'm not asking you to forget, just get over your own insecurities, your own hang ups and look into a world with multiple shades of grey.... OTHERWISE, I may just have to re-evaluate my own stance in regards to my decision to offer you clemency. IT would stink to have your freindship dissapear. Forgiveness, you see made this friendship continue to be a possibility.)


argh. silly girls.

This was my summer. With slight (regretable) interuptions. But I LEARNED... And as long as you learn, it is all worth while.... ACTIVE is a constant that I hope to keep.. DISTRACTED is an interuption I would like to avoide.

I think it's rare to find someone who is truly (and consistantly) content with being themselves. Far too often, people try (with extreme desperation) to distance themselves from the norm. The problem with this (other than the fact that that this desired distance is in fact the norm) is that they present to the world, a product that is essentially fake, false, untrue. In short, a carefully created facade. Thus, comes the question: Is it better to not be yourself, and expand in ways that are eye catching and unique in all outward ways (rooted by a very common, and trendy desire to be captivating ) but essentailly untrue. .. Or, on the other hand, is it preferable to be yourself, even if the product presented to the world is normal, common and less flashy. I would like to say that through my entire life I have been content with being myself. THAT I have found the ground that everyone searches for, that I am one of the lucky ones that gets to go against the norm naturally by being themselves... In some cases, this statement is true. In others, it is most certainly not. Consistancy is not human. I can tell you this (however), the times I have been happiest, and most content, have been the times in which the person I have presented to the world has been nothing more and nothing less than myself, and this presentation of myself has been made for absoulty no one.. Seems odd, that the happiest state, is also the easiest to project. The majority of people who constantly stand out in crowds are illusions.... and the rare people who are not, are the ones whom we so desperatly want to be.

On another note... It recently occured to me, that while I enjoy a good book in its entierity (spelling) it is the last sentence in a book that can take it from good to great. The funny thing about this statement (at least to me) is that the sentence does not have to be pivitol in any way.... It simply has to have the ability to make you step back, smile and have the content filled "ahhh" feeling. I always read the last sentence of a book first. It is a rare occatiton that the absolute last sentence gives any secrets about the book away, and thus its not damaging to the book's plot in any way. Why then do I do this??? Simply put... By reading the last sentence first (and thus, not understanding it, or its relivance) it allows me to enjoy the sentence all the more upon arrival at the end of the book.. Put simply, it creates the feeling that a riddle has been solved, placing a significant amount of feeling and understanding in the absolute final moments of the book.. Added dramatic effect at its fullest....

Dark Blue.

Information. It comes in various forms. To some it is thought to be a right, to others it is a privledge. To me it's a circumstantial term. Sure some information is common knowledge, provided to everyone and anyone who chooose to stumble accross it. Other information, however, is private, and therefore held close and shared with only those who deserve it. Random life detailes are where the line between commonly shared information, and privledged information becomes blurred. Techonology, only helps to smear this already hard to see line. When then, does someone gain the right to know life's random detailes? Better yet, when does someone lose this privledge? I have now deleted "A" from my facebook (consistant life informaiton feed) three times. According to reactions to such matters, the retraction of this constant flow of random personal information implies that, the friendship has also ceased to exist. Personally, I believe that the two are not mutually exclusive, and can survive without the other. Why then retract this information? To put it simply, life's details are private, and only earned by the public, through time earned trust, or (the polar opposite) the lack of any real connection or relationship with the other person. It's easy to give people who you do not know (except in the form of fast freinds or aquaintances) personal details.

You find your moments. Experiences are a constantly available product. I use the term product on purpose. Experiences are a creation. You make them, or you avoide them. I am inconsistant and random in my actions these days, but, one constant has been my desire for experience. I am open to anything, and will try everything. In a place that has so much to offer, few people actually create, what they have the potential to experience. I recently was presented with the option to withdraw from my irratic life filled with random adventures in return for a secure, stable and reliable relationship. I chose to stay on course. I am not sure if I made the decision on terms that were valid, but, the decision was the right one. To hell with the reasons for my decision.

1:16. Not in the afternoon. A "good luck" banner hangs to my left. Luck has nothing to do with anything. Ok, most things. Sure, some things are lucky, like winning the lottery, or having the perfect weather on your wedding day. You cannot rely on luck, however. It is pointless. What you want never happens, and what you don't expect, always does. Let your guard down for two seconds, and the world is completley different. Keep your guard up, and life becomes boaring. Life ends up getting shut out, when one becomes overly protective and conservative. Where then, is the balance? I embrace so much activity, and yet seem to be scared of productivity. I am one of the most active people I know, and yet, also one of the least progressive. Sure, I have all of my plans made, and all of the required allowances made to provide for a successful future. I however, avoide under all circumstances taking this step. I think I'm scared to take the step alone. I feel like Im in a room filled with people, and alone in the same instance.