Real Version: "Sometimes I think Im the only cab driver around" my version "Sometimes I think I'm the only cowboy in Rome"

I prefer my lyrics to the song. The difference in words does however, explain why I spent countless hours (without success) trying to find the name of that perticular song. Good thing I realized this before someone caught me singing along to the song.... Thiugh they would have to catch me, as I struggle to sing in front of real people.

I, again, havent posted in a while. I am tired all the time, and still feel rather numb. There are periods where this numbness is taken away. The problem is that I haven't solved the deep rooted problem, and in stead have resorted to quick solutions like eating excessive amounts of chocolate, buying summer clothes, listening to new music, and (now) complaining about it on the internet. I must admit that one of the nice by-products of this despearte attempt at temp happiness is the discovery of the most comfortable hoodie that I have seen/worn in a long time. The "Clemson" hoodie has reason to be worried, as it could be knocked down to the rank of 2nd fav hoodie. Hoodies are fab, like corn fields and country music they give me that warm comfortable, feel safe anywhere kinda feeling. They are me, the true me.

Some good things have happened. I am happier at work. I don't mind the job as much. I have made plans to go to London with my "grounded" friends, which will be a good time regardless of where we end up or what we end up doing. I talked to an old friend and made plans to climb the CN tower in the spring, which I am very excited about. I also foudn the most amazing pair of Carebear socks (I got 3 pairs, one Im giving to a friend though). I got tickets to go see Oasis ( a concert that I tried and failed to see last summer). I am not the biggest Oasis fan, but I love live music, and their old an classic songs, are fun to sing. I have grown an addiction for buying random "animal" candy apples. I have never eaten the candy apples myself. SO far I have gotten 2 reindeer ones for Kelly and SUha at Christmas, as well as a bunny and a beaver, as well as a regular red candy apple (all for other friends). My addiction to mini eggs has returned again (with the easter season). This is good as it reminds me that some things about myself will never change, regardless of my state of mind. No one can take away my mini egg addiction, where each person who sells them to me eventually feels compelled to comment at the rapid rate in which the number of packs I buy a day is increasing.

I think I am still uneasy because of a number of reasons. The main one though is that I think I still feel like things are unresolved with A. I think knowing that if I were to attempt to resolve things that there is no way to come out without looking crazy, and essentially comming out worse than I started. While I obviously still like him and am still stuck at this point, I realize that we wont end up "dating". What I really want is just to know that he knows that I liked him (which I think he does), and that that is ok, and that it does not go beyond that, there are no more expectatons on my part, no more attachment will occur. I want him to be at the point where if he does see me around he can say "hi", without fearing that I will chase him like the crazy girl that I believe he believes me to be. (say that 5 times fast). I wish there were an uncrazy way to say "hey, I liked you. yes I become way too attached and way too optomistic to see that all I was to you was a summer thing. Yes you were right that distance doesnt work. Yes we only hung out for a couple of weeks, and I should have known that it wouldnt last. Yes I knew it wouldnt last, but I am not the temp kinda girl, I cant allow myself to be myself around someone when there are time restraints (the old A taught me that there is too much risk, too much to lose, for such a temp high) yes I called you longer than I should have, and yes deep down I knew I should stop. But I liked the feeling of likeing someone again. I liked the fact that I could truley and innocently like someone other than the other a. " I wish I could say "Im sorry for making you feel aquard around me. Im sorry for making you feel like you can't say "hi" to me when you see me, without me expecting a relationship or a phone call or an advancment of some kind in reutrn." I WISH A "HELLO" COULD JUST BE A "HELLO" BETWEEN US AGAIN. and I wish that we could talk about the Jays, and how they are going to have an amazing team this year, and that our investment in jays hats was the best investment ever, or recomend a movie like "Lord of War" or "Crash" or "Chronicles of Narnia". Or taht I could ask about his school, sports, life without it seeming like I had alterior motives. Or tell him that "Tequilla makes her clothes fall off" is a great song. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO COMPLEX? and why does the only solution to this problem seem to be to let it go? To let myself appear as "Crazy" to a peroson who I truly do care about, who I turly do respect and wish the best for? IT stinks, and I think my frusteration with this fact, is why I am mentally draining myself. I have always been the girl who isnt crazy, who sees things clearly, and who handles (the only one Ive had so far other than whatever this is) breakups well. Why, is it when I actually try to make things ok, and actually put some effort int maintaing a decent friendship that it crumbles to pieces, and with others (who I do care about but to a much lesser extent) I can maintain and actaully have a friendship flourish without the least of effort. Is not caring and appearing completely indifferent the only way to go? Argh. I need to move on, and allow this situation to die. Hopefully at least then I will lose the crazyness that has invaded my brain, the cost (which is far more than I would have liked) is payable, and comes (I should say came, as Ihave already payed it) in the form of a lost friendhip/relationship. I would do anyting to fix this, but anything will in essance only make matters worse. Live and learn.

On a side note, I realiezed last week that I am now scared of doorbells. This combined with my fear of the phone, led to quite the conundrum last week (but that is another story). I think it must be some form of a fear related to things that ring. Food for thought.