You don't know me... Like you knew me..

Argh. Let me just say that. Again drawn back to thoughts of what once was, and what never will be, by some damn random comment, by the same old A (old, not the one from summer). I know now for sure that when you truly 100% like someone. Scratch that, love... yes love... It never goes away. My name on msn tonight was "I am NOT 19" and of course, seeing as we used to always joke about who looked younger, and the fact that I was 4 months older (not 5!) he felt the need to write me a little message. O.K. so I can honnestly say that my name was not bait for a random comment from him (those days are long since over). I wasnt tremendously surprised to see the lil light on my msn bar start to flash however.... What did surprise me was the comment, and even more so my instant reaction.... He said "I wish you were 19" to which I thought, "if that is all I need to maake things the way they were, than that too is my wish." I really do miss him. As a boyfriend yes, but more so as a friend. I dont think anyone has ever known me so well.. I sometimes wonder if anyone will know me like he did, or if I will know anyone as well as I knew him... I am jelous of the fact that he will probably know someone else better than he now knows me, and that that person will in turn get to see the side of him that I felt privledge to see/know. Im sure if I sat down and tried, I could write this better, and my words would seem like a song, so clever and so perfect, but that's not what comming out right now for whatever reason... I will always remember those nights in my car, and the way we could read eachother so well, that a single look, or the position in which we sat in the car, gave away far more than any words ever could. I miss the innocence... I miss the simplicity that I felt. I miss the fact that we could hang out for countless hours and just sit there like little puppies in a box. and I felt like a little puppy in a box... Nothing ever felt wrong with him, I never questioned our relationship.. . But in that statement, I also see our decline. He wants the one thing that I can never be, and he holds it above my head.. He alsmost dangles memories above me, saying "if only you were..." and I would be anything that I could be for him... but I cant be that. and so.. the innocence and the simplicity are replaced, with the complex relationship that sits before us... vicious circles... gotta love em... i know I wont ever get it back, but it's fun to remember.. painful yes, but nice to know I had someting that will remain special regardless of the complications that it caused...