The script it called for rain, but it was clear that day... so we faked it..

Well its the weekend, and low and behold.... I actuallly have it off!!! Yes, you read right, off... Meaning no work, just freedom to do whatever I could possibly want to do. This is a rare occation for me. An occation that I am sure I will not use to its full potential... But that is fine with me, because it is still my free weekend!!! I do have plans. I am supposed to go to Nashville (bar) tonight for some line dancing, and then hang out with thefamily all tomorrow watching the superbowl. The superbowl with the family will happen 100%, my brother's appearance at the family viewing of the superbowl is the only thing up in the air. I hope he comes. H'es 19, and I know he has "cooler" things to do, but it will not be the same without him. He completes the family feeling of the family event. Nashville I would say has a 48% chance of actually comming about. The trip to Nashville is dependant on two other people who could at any second make or break the plans (theyre just those type of plans.. not the people). I'm a last minute, no big deal kinda person anyways. I like goin out, but I like staying in, so really its win win for me.

I spent all week playing video games with my brother. More specifically, playing Mario Go-Cart. After beating all three of the levels (mushroom, flower and star cup) plus "Special Cup" on 50, 100 and 150cc, I was given the added task of beating "Everything Cup" on 50, 100, 150 cc... For those of you who dont know, "Everything Cup" means all of the levels for each level.... So basically 16 races of comming in first times three. That is a lot of Tv time! More time Ive spent in front of a TV in the past couple of months combined! But I am driven to win this damn game, and of course my brother is on the bandwagon, ready to crush that game so we can get every special car and character it has to give! On the topic of video games, Im not really too sure how much I like the newer systems (Xbox 360 etc) with the exception of the rare sporting game or an old game re-released for the new system... The games, and the drive to beat every game just isnt there like it is/was with nintendo, super nintendo, game cube and nintendo 64... I did find a great deal of entertainment in XBox live, and the ability to talk to random people who were trying to kick the crap out of you in Mech Assault... I dont think I will ever forget hearing about some guys trip to Archensaw (I cant spell) for Christmas while running around a map in some crazy meh ( I believe I was a bobcat).. Too much fun.. The games now are too complicated... I like my mario cart, and Super Mario 3 and Blades of Steel and Puch Out. Quality Quality games... oh and Family Feud

On a side note, now there are 2 songs for sure that can make me cry upon hearing the first verse... There are no memories that evoke these tears, no reason for the tears, just the instant and uncontrollable response of tears, from a girl who doesnt cry over many things... There must be some wire in my brain that becomes disconnected when they are played.. I have no explanation for it.... So now "Leaving on a Jet Plane" (which has made me cry since I was about 3 years old, and no there was no fear of abandonment in me at that age) and Private Mallone (a country song about a car left behind by a guy who went off to war and didnt come home)... I guess I do see a trend, people going away and never comming back.. BUt in that song it's not the leaving that makes me sad, or the fact that the guy died, it's the fact that he loved something that he left behind in an unselfish way, and someone else finds that and loves it equally, and the two of them share that even though they have never met.. its a happy sad kind of cry for that song. i warned you I was weird..


and yes this triggers another thing.. the whole "weirdness" factor. I was talking to my partner at work and he thought I was weird because I go shopping, and out in PJ's in general.. What he found even more strange is the fact that if I buy a shirt I really really like I will go to the washroom in the mall and change into that shirt becuase I cant wait to get home to wear it. I think thats pretty normal to me.. Not to him though. He also thought it was weird that I could have a crush on someone and have no intrest in ever talking to them or meeting them, and would actually go out of my way to NOT run into them. He asked me how I would ever meet anyone, and how I ever planned on getting married. Marriage is truthfully slightly on my mind as I enter my older years, but its still not a priority and while I would never enter a relationship that I thought didnt have the potential to last forever, marriage woudnt be my goal. Its funny, I guess I've just learned taht with me I cannot have a pre-defined end, but I do not expect a guaranteed future, just the knowledge taht it could run it's course wherever and whatever that may be. Marriage is just scarry to me, somthing that is too much to bring to a relationship as it would kill all the fun stuff that relationships have to offer.. I try not to bog down my brain with thought like that, it's filled up enough as it is.

On the topic of weird and crazy still.. I did do my first recognized "crazy" and unexplainable thing. At least since October. I was talking to the old "a" on msn, and for the record we have talked the past couple of days. The conversations were good, normal, fun, easy, we followed our normal routien of exchanging oppinions on tv shows, and recommending/sending songs. We talked about me, and what I was doing ( he talks about himself, but he's a tricky one, wont give away too much, he's very secretive.. still hasnt told me about the gf.. what a nut!). I told him about country music, and he mentioned nashville and going there. For whatever reason, I can talk to him on msn all I want, say whatever I want, but I still have no desire to see him in person, ever. When I found out he wont be going to Nashville in any time soon, the reaction on my part was filled with 100% relief! And after our conversation ended I blocked him on my msn. That to me is strange, or at least it would appear strange from his perspective. You start talking to someone who you have known forever, its comfortable, there is no bittterness, just the calmness that accompanies talking to someone you have known forever, then the option of actually seeing eachother comes up, and *poof* the person becomes uneasy, and then you are blocked. I just cant/wont talk to him in person. It brings back a realness. And I know that we do not fit together, but knowing that doesnt change the fact that I would go back to that world. Cant bring myself to cut him out completely, but I cant have him back completely either. One day I will be able to delete him. I guess its just the thought that if I delete him , it would make him not exist, and in that action everything taht occured between us would also sease to exist. I dont want to forget. 9 years of knowing him, it's sooo hard to give up something like that, and it's sooo hard to find. And for the record, if I did delete him, that would be the end. There's nothing left to take, but soo much (it seems) to give away.