A post thought and some advice...

I ment to type this last night, as a pre-thought before I went out (not Out as in date) with J. Now it is going to be a post thought, plus an assignment.

Post thought:
I wish I liked J. To revise that statement, I wish I had wished last night was a date (but I didn't and still don't). Why is is that there can be someone totally great, who will inspire you to do new and fun things, and evoke interesting (as opposed to repetitive) conversations; who for whatever reason just doesnt cause those butterflys to happen? I sit here, and keep going on and on about all sorts of things, and yet right in front of my nose is this great person, and as hard as I wish, I just cant make those feelings happen. I did get this one second look that could be mistaken for eitehr a moment of complete insanity and uncertanty, or the hint of some form of feeling. It was just a second though, and it left quicker then it came. I know I'm not being fair to J too. I have told him that I can't see us ever dating (he asked, I explained). Maybe I'm getting what I want and I just cant see it... A guy friend 100% with whom I can hang out and do great things, and there are no expectations. Maybe I am just imagining these expectations (they did used to be there because it was brought up) now. I am going to stop feeling guilty and just enjoy his company, without feeling like there either has to be something more or nothing at all. I like having guy friends and constantly complain that people have way too many pre set expectations and requirements when guys and girls are simply just friends. Last night was fun too. J made me dinner (which was really really good). It was fish and this wild rice, with apple pie for dessert! YUM! I always luck out at his house. I got a full out football feast another time (read: nachos with that totally disgusting but toatlly amazing cheeze that you heat up in the micro, cookies, a ceasar to drink fully equiped with a celery stick, and a whole bunch of other good food). And my favourite meal of all at his house: a bowl of cereal after an early morning run we went on. It was great because it was simple. We sat around and watched early morning tv, and ate tonz of cereal together (no I did not drink the milk in the bowl Yick!). Anywas, afterwords we went shopping, he got a t-shirt and I got a whole bunch of stuff. I broke my bank account in less the 2 hours. Well I spent $192. WHich for me is a hard amout of money to part with (especially over clothes) when Im trying to save... Gotta get back to stashing all my cash away! The worst part was trying on the clothes, because as soon as I got into the change room I had to go to the bathroom oh so badly. If you are skilled enough to try on jeans/skirts while having to go to the bathroom sevearly badly, I salute you! J tried on a bunch of clothes as well.. Then we went home, and he invited me in to watch some tv. At first I said "yes" but after the 20 minute ride home of thinking about it, I decided to just go home. And that was my night of shopping/dinner with J.

And now for the assignment: Write yourself advice at an earlier age... My age would be my 22/23 year (years for me are still in school year format so I was both 22 and 23 in that year...
-Save yourself a lot of time and thought and just tell A how you feel, he feels the same way..
-dont worry too much about the future of you and A, concentrate on what you have now, and enjoy it, things wont always stay the same.
- dont let others especially A pressure you into analyzing your every action. You will spend lot of time trying to be the person that you were/are in later years. You like yourself, so if others dont, tough bananas to them!
-coach that kids t-ball team with A. You will always wonder why you didnt, and kick yourself for not doing that.
-speak up for yourself. If you think there is something wrong, say so. People wont change or attempt to solve problems if they dont know the problem exists in the first place. They arnt fortune tellers
-going back to school was a great decision. You are on a good path. Stay there. Put a little more effort into the gym class, it will foil your 4.0 if you dont.
-Start running, you think you hate it, but you dont. You will find it will help you get rid of a lot of stress and confusion.
-Stick with going to the gym, don't put your stuff on hold for someone else.
-Play a sport, you'll miss the sports in later years.
-Hang out with your family more, you'll find you like being with them a whole lot more than you thought. Go to the cottage, go to Boston (this will be an amazing trip for you!) just hang out.
-spend time with Kelly, she will leave for Japan and then Alberta, so you wont see her as much as you would like in the future. Chris will drive you a little crazy, but he wont always... So let her enjoy him, because in the end, you dont mind him.
-Your car will break down and die if you dont keep adding oil!!! This will cause you to have 3 months of hell, which will eventually end up with A putting enormous amounts of pressure on you, and eventually you asing for space, whcih in turn leads to the demise of your relationship with A. ALl over you being too damn lazy to put oil in your car. It is perticuluarly necessary for you to put oil in the car when you go to Matts house/Toronto the day before mothers day! Either don't go, or put oil in the car.
-If the car does die - it is not the end of the world. Dont fell like a child just because you dont have a car - that is childish.
- Your parents don't want you to choose a car that is cheap they want you to pick one that you want (a black Dodge Dakota) it may take a while, and you may want to hurt them, but it will be solved in one random lunch in Swiss Chalet. Until then, survive without a car.. It's not the end of the world like you think it is.
- Ignore your mother's interfearance in your relationships. SHe wont see what she's doing. Getting mad and withdrawing, will not change this.
-If you work hard with your Policing Contest group you will win the contest. Stick with the hard workers in your class, you will grow with them, and become good friends. Its a good choice.
- the big thing though is... Just be yourself, and be content with who you are. Make choices to advance yourslef and not always the easy ones. Life does not revolve around A, adn if he dumps all of his insecurities on you (tell him, or just hand them right back) he will always be special to you and vice versa, but he wont necessairly play the role you hope/think/want him to.