Toys R Us, and ticking clocks...

I have the desire to sit down and type out a "typical" post, but the problem is nothing seems to be comming out. The way I see it, there are two possible reasons for this lack of expelling words on to a computer screne to one of two things. First it could simply be that I am in a plateau, and everything that I have to discuss, I have already addresssed. You know what I have done over the past (almost) year, who I miss, who hurt me, who has made me happy, what Im excited about and what I fear. No need to do re-peats, as even the best tv show's repeats just arnt as good the 2nd time around. The other reason for my inability to congure up something to say could be that there's just too damn much going on in my life right now, and my brain simply cant process the astoundingly high number of random thoughts running through my head at any given point in time. Basically, if I were to attempt to blog in this state, you would get ADHD on paper. More importantly it would prove that I am in fact a nut, and not just a little nut like a peanut, more like a big giant walnut, or even a coconut... The reality of this sitaution, is (like always in life) its a little of sitaution number one, and a little of situation number two. I am stagnent right now. Sure I'm changing jobs, and going in to "summer mode", but Im also heading off to the job I've had for the past 6 summers, and my summer events are a collage of things I have enjoyed doing in my past. So change:yes, but farmilliarity:most definitly. I guess the reason for my lack of production in the topics catagory really is the uncertanty about what is going to go on in the next few months. As simple as things are now, change is unavoidable. What kind of change, and how I will take the change is the uncertain part... And thats damn scarry! Sure you optomistic kids will tell me that change is exciting and that it will bring about new and exciting experiences and give me a chance to develop.. TO all of you sharing that thought.. I have the following to say/sing "I DONT WANT TO GROW UP, IM A TOYS R US KID"... I like the certainty and the farmilliarity of my life. I like my summer job, and going out with friends. Truth is I do want to "grow up" in certain ways. I would love to buy a house, and get a full time careere that I enjoy , and buy a horse, and have kids and the whole damn package. THe problem, and the scarry part regarding this is the following: What if it doesnt work out as planned? What if I end up living in an appartment by myself with cats for the rest of my life dressing up in clothes way too "young" for my age etc. What if the typical, grow up, get a job, a house , kids and a husband, isnt in the cards for me? I guess a fear of the fact that the "ideal" method of life unfolding (as taught to us by just about every tv show or movie) isnt going to happen.. And so, instead of feeding the fire and heading down the path of appartments and cats, I would rather just stay where I am and enjoy still ahving the dream that my life will unfold like it does on the big screne... A kid can dream cant she? I think eventually... Scratch that... I know eventually I will be forced to move on and grow up, regardless of how much I fight it. I can feel certain parts of my brain pushing me towards advancing every day. I may be in the same place, but its very different now. Its like going into a room where one thing has been removed. You know somethings different or strange, you just have that feeling. What is strange or has changed to trigger that feeling you just cant put your finger on, until someone points out the obvious inadimate object that is missing... And then you laugh, roll your eyes and thank that person for relieving that constant wondering.... SImply put: I feel like I'm Peter Pan, and that damn crocidile is chasing me around with that clock that is constantly ticking... tick tick tick.. TIme is definitly running out. BUt does moving on, mean leaving the kid (and in essance, who you were) behind?? Or can that kid come along for the ride??? I hope so.

On a side note, I have never been the dependant type. I dont need to have a guy in my life to feel happy or satisfied.. But I do miss having someone around to go do fun and sill y things, to sit on the cough and just hang out with... I fear not having that.