Two Steps Back

Well, call me Peter Pan, because I just can't give upthe security of my youth just yet. Brittney Spears had it right (though its sad to admit it) when she belted out the words "not a child, not yet a woman". It's an odd feeling when you realize that the path you have been on for the past few years (and pretty much your entire life) is comming to an end. I would like to say I have found a pot of gold at the end of this "yellow brick road" or at least some crazy man behind some curtain ready to conjur up a plan to take me home in a hot air balloon; but neither of these senarios is the case. Instead I find myself at the side of a highway with cars all wizzing by me. I've never been good a t merging, and so instead I sit at the end of the path and wait for the traffic to clear. The traffic will never celear though, and deep down I know this. What am I waiting for? I may not be good at merging, but I'v alwaays done it with confidence and success in the past, so why not this time? The truth is, Im scared. SDcared that I will never get off the highway, scared that I wont be the same driver once Im on the highway, scared that the highway will hollow me out. I have somehow managed to sneek another summer of minimal responsibility into my life. I LOVE this an appriciate it like never before. Last year I said it was my last "summer of fun", this summer I dont need to say anything because I know it is my last "summer of fun". Others may stop and look at my choice to extend my "Peter Pan" phase and shake their heads. People may think that "man she's doing the same job again? She's going no where fast". To them all I have to say is this:

I have a lot of years a head of me to go everywhere fast. For some there is happiness in advancment into adult years and responsibility at the fastest rate possible. These people seem to race through the inbetween stage to be the first to purchase a house, to get married or have children. This is a race I have already lost. But in loosing this race I have also won. I have won a long Peter Pan phase of life. A phase in which you eat popcicles and slushies after midafternoon tennis matches, and go camping/cottaging with friends. A phase in which laughing at work is as necessary as productivity. Work in this phase is more of a social extention of ones life, than a method to advance ones career, there are work outings, and romances and scandles. Its simple and its fun and its carefree. Sure in the back of your head there are thoughts of what to do next, and pplans for the futre, but theyre for the future, they arnt the present. I am happy with where I am, and while I know that I will eventually have to grow up, I will do what I can to prolong this phase of my life. I value this phase, and happiness enough to sacrafice a few years of large salaries and RRSP contrubutions. If people think Im going no where because I value my current hapiness that comes with the "summer job" then so be it. What makes you happy, is obviously far different from what currently has the potential to make me happy.

Back to square one.

I was right. I was also wrong. I was right in the sence that big changes are in store for me in the near future. I was wrong in the sence that these changes would involve someone to play with and accompany on various summer adventures. That dream was short lived. That dream however, put in to action a number of necessary changes. Everything happens for a reason right? It's funny how one little change, and an incorrect perception of its purpose can generate such a desire for change. More importantly, its interesting how just one shift in motion (that was relativly insignificant) could spark such a huge transition. For the past year I have played hide and seek with myself. This game is over.. I may not have successfully found myself, but I have found the missing piece to the puzzle. Confidence. I have to do stuff for myself. This is where the big changes begin, but it's not really where they end. My whole manner of thinking has changed, my priorities, etc. These changes all start with a dentist appointment (which I made for tomorrow). Here's to the hope that these changes get the action and attention that they deserve.

Crash into me, summer girl, and catch my dissease because the sunrise and strawberry wine feels like home....

I guess I'm in a writing mood today. Poor imaginary readers! One of my very dear friends published a blog with lyrics from songs that reminded her of someting. While reading her blog, I found myself scrolling down the page thinking "dammit, she better have the charlie brown song that we danced to last summer" and hoping that that moment stuck out in her life, as much as it did in mine. Sure dancing at the cottage to a song that conjured up images of Charlie Brown dancing to a play piano, and feeling the need to replicate his dance moves, is not a life altering moment, but its a great moment for me. I hoped, that it was a great moment for her as well, because I definlty do not want to hog all the great moments in life.. Great moments are, afterall better when shared with someone else! Needless to say, she too enjoyed that moment, because at the bottom of her post were the lyrics I so strongly wished to see. Songs, like smells have always brought forth memories at lightning speed(good and bad). I am also a fan of soundtracks and the positioning of music in telivision and movies, as I feel they emphasize the greatest of moments if used properly. Everyone has a soundtrack to their life, and moments or people to whom music will always be tied. FOr me there are quite a few music moments, that the radio is capable at bringing forth at random times, on random trips... Here are a few:

Chantel Kriviatsic's (cant spell her name) "Feels Like Home" will always remind me of sitting in my dad's office in his big black leather chair, in the early hours of the morning (6am). Snow is everwhere, and everything is white, but I am warm and happy That is the feeling I get with that. I remember being on ICQ and speaking, or looking to speak with "A" in a completely innocent way those days, all I wanted to hear was a "hi". Sheelah and Suha are asleep in the other room (Suha just had her first sleep over) Kelly was supposed to come, but was sick.

Deanna Carter's "Strawberry Wine" Reminds me of Sarah from 1st year university at Western. School was over, and everything seemed to be ending, and there was a prolonged sence of fun, that we clung to.. We went out with strawberry wine for a last night in town.

The Norah Jones "Sunrise" song will always remind me of A1. It reminds me of the peak of our time together, a moment where I was unconditionally happy, and nothing seemed able to ruin that.

Beck "Summer Girl" aka Charlie Brown song, cottage trips, drunken nights, dancing like cartoons, and freedom..

Ben Lee "Catch my Dissease" Leaving a random, and last viable message on A2's phone.

U2 will always remind me of the Blue Jays....

Crash Into Me by Dave Matthews reminds me of the crossing of lines (without actually crossing any lines at all). I did nothing, and yet in that moment, it felt like I was no longer the same. I then sat in a ball, in a fort I had created the night before, with blankets all around me, and just slept to this song playing on a cd player on the shelf.



There are many more songs I'm sure but that's all I got for the moment.

Still cant seem to escape the letter "A"

As I've mentioned before, I've only really liked two boys in my entire life, both whom shared a number of eerie similarities, but were very much different people, with their own mannerisms and personalities. I am here to tell you, that while it may be early on, at least some portion of this tradition could be crumbling. Yes the letter "A" is still there but the name is different, and yes the nationality is still there, but the August birthday is also a thing of the past. I woke up Sunday with a smile from ear to ear, and the desire to pass on my extreme happiness to anyone and everyone that crossed my path. This is the third time I have felt this feeling (it only gets better with time). I count myslef lucky for having gotten the chance to feel this extreme happiness. I also remind myself that I must enjoy it while it lasts, as it will at some point in time go away. People after all can only experience loss if they have something that can be taken away. And this can most definitly be taken away. I also remind myself that if you tip-toe around something simply because it can be lost, it will in a sence become prematurley lost. You're either all in, or you're out. I am all in. And if, by chance, being all in means that I will only experience this feeling for a day, a week, maybe a month than I will take it and run like I have never run before. There will be time to look back later. Sat night for me was great, it exceeded expectaions. It exceeded these expecations, because (not only of course) thre were no expectations. It's funny that I have been so conditioned to expect people to be demanding, and persumptuious, when in fact there are still some good people out there who truly do just want the same thing as me. I will remember the old music at dinner, and the fact that I felt the need to wear board shorts on an inappropriatly cold night (its April for goodness sake!) and the fact that BUrlington can generate quite a nice veiw filled with bright lights and briges, water and of course Smog!! It was a great night, and worth the early morning that I had to have (for work).

Oh how things change in the blink of an eye. For me positive changes have "evolved" and negative changes have come more in a quick "explosion" as opposed to something as time consuming as evolution. In truth, the bad stuff probably just seems more dramatic, and has always seemed to disrupt my hard earned security and thus I feel the need to use a term as dramatic as an explosion. This term afterall must truly convey the extreme impanct the change seemed to have on my life. I sit here though, at the start of another summer, and things, they are a changing, in what seems quick enough to use the term as explosive. This explosion has the potential to be a good one, possibly of firework nature, as opposed to the TNT explosions of my past. Summer for me will not be what I planed. More specifically summer has the potential to be very different from my initial pre-set ideas of what I wanted to do and where I wanted to go. Don't freek out, there will still be plenty of time for climbing trees, and playing at parks; rest assured. What could be different, (and this would be very different for me) is that I may in fact have a partner to climb trees with, to cottage with , to eat with and generally have fun with. At first glance this seems great (and it is). But it also complicates things to the extreme. I find myself looking at my work schedule and becomming quite frusterated wtih its life-owning capabilities. When my schedule was all that mattered, it was a great schedule. Working 7 days/nights in a row, and in return getting 4 days off seemed like an amazing deal. Sure a Friday night here and a Sat night there would have to be sacraficed, but who cares? Not me when "I" am my main priority, and time off is all that matters. I dont like going to bars THAT much that I always HAVE to go out. BUT NOW, that I have the chance at going out with somone who I really want to see and cannot because it just so happens to be the Friday I have to work, the schedule seems like a parent who refuses to let their teenaged kids out past 9:00 on weekends (bedtime). I now feel the need to stop my feet and yell back at the top of my lungs "THIS IS NOT FAIR, YOU JUST DONT WANT ME TO HAVE ANY FUN!!" I of course don't mind this frusteration, as the reason for it (having someone who I simile instantly just at the thought of seeing) is valuable enough for me to endure endless frusteration of this kind. I had just forgotten the struggles that accompanied two people with different schedules who want to at some date and time find themselves together. My first thought was to reduce my work load to one job, but that doesnt elievate the restrictive schedule at all, as my main (and not so easy to drop) job would be the job to stay. I just don't know. Change jobs? Keep jobs? last week I was planning drive-in movie trips with friends and time off getaways with anyone who was free. Now my only priority is ME being free. Either way my summer will be great. I just prefer the "great" that seemed to pop out of no-where, and that sets me for a summer that I have not already experienced ten times over. I hope things work out, I really do.

Old dogs, new tricks...

Last year I wrote a post in response to a 30 year old asking me out on a date. The short version (which for me is quite the rarity) was, and still is that 30 is just to old for me. It's purly a "me" thing, and a mental perception of what I see a 30 year old being. I am not where a 30 year old is, and furthermore could not fulfill most of their expecatations (in my own head at least). I guess to me dating a 30 year old would require me to "sell" or "trade" what little youth I have left. Sure 30 year olds can be "young" still and do young things, but they should be focused on career, children and marriage. I'm just not there yet... I'm on track to be there eventually, but not close enough to the station. Needless to say I did not date the 30 year old, and I have not regretted that decision at all.. This year brings forth the same issue, but on the flip side. Is it acceptable for me to "hang out" ok ok date someone who is a wee bit younger than myself? I have always been a stickler for age. My old boss actually called me an agist, in the sence that I always stated taht there was no way in hell I would ever date anyone younger than myself. I have followed that method of thinking until now. A#1 was my age, and A#2 was a year older than me (which was the ideal age in my own oppinion). Neither of these relationships ended because of age related issues, and thus I maintain that as far as age goes I've always been on track.. I find it funny though, because if one of my guy friends dated a younger girl (and a lot of them have or are) I would fully support it, and probably not even think twice about the issue of age. When it comes to a girl (including myself) dating a younger guy, it's quite the different story. Why the double standard? I do not know. I have agreed to hang out with someone younger, and I'm going to see how it goes. I'm going in to this with an open mind, and also knowing that internally I must see something special or different in this person for the sole reason that Im agreeing to let go of my "rules" and go. Rules are ment to be broken, and hopefully this rule was one worth breaking... I guess we'll see

Jays Review Part 2

This post will be a continuation (or a Part 2, if you will..) of my Jays Review of the Home Opener
This post will be more of a Game Highlights eddition, as opposed to a review.
So here it is.

First our seats: We arrived at the game, with our computer printed tickets. My brother (who is my official co-host for most of the upandcomming Jays games) accidentally clicked the "print" button while purchasing the tickets for the game. It was agreed that ticket stubs are the way to go, and thus each of us expressed our dissapointment at the lack of ticket stubs for this years opener. This dissapointment was short lived, when we arrived and actually saw where we got to sit. For a random, computer generated seat picking system, I have to say I was more than impressed in the result of our purchase. The ticket assigning systom must have loved me.. I won the lottery of electronically assigned seating! YES! We got seats in which, I could rest my feet on the railing (and I did). Basically we were front row on the 3rd baseline near left field. A seat which was filled with loud mouth fans, and catered to sign holding fans (such as my brother and I) and also provided the long sought after perfect view of the field.

Second the fans: Ok Ok. So the fans wer'nt exactly New York esk. If you have ever had the pleasure of sitting in the presence of NY fans you know that they can produce even the most random of statistics, and can come up with punch lines that will make you nod your head and laugh to yourself in agreement (even if you dont really agree). These fans would never think of saying anything like "Even Cindarella gets to the ball faster than you Wells, or KENNY PICK UP THE PHONE" instead they resorted to statements which lacked knowledge or any type of real knowlege. Still there was the occational funny statement, and that was a great source of enteratinment. Also, at one point in the game, an unlucky fan who had mistakenly choosen to wear a Boston hat got taunted by an entire section, until finally he was tossed from the game, to the sound of cheering and singing by all the fans in that area. Needless to say, wearing a hat that has any other baseball team (especially a direct opponent) is pretty much BAD IDEA JEANS. It sure does provide for some entertainment though. Another fan sitting in the outfield section (nearest to us) caught a home run ball from the other team. This would have been met with applause if HE had choosen to throw back the ball. HE, however, did not throw back the ball. Instead he ended up enduring relentless cants right up until the end of the game (no less than 3 innings worth). I put the HE in big letters, because the fact that a guy would cling to a home run ball is kind of funny. Sure I can see how a girl would keep it because its pretty, or for centimental purposes (it is of course a memory). A male however, does not see things as pretty or centimental, and therefore is pretty much wired to throw a ball liek this back. Males usually get huge kicks, and self recognition for acts such as this. After all throwing back a home run ball from the other team is a heroic act. This guy was no hero, and instead clug to the ball like a(all the statements that I can come up with for this are inappropriate). On the positive side, Bengie hit a hommer that resulted in consistant cheers of approval and love from fans. Bengie has a great cheering name that could come in handy for many games to come... PRovided he continues to produce...
Thirdly Post Game: Even the walk back to the train this year was filled with happy cheering fans. Last year everyone trickled out of the stadium and situated themselves on the train for their long ride home. People chatted and went their seperate ways. This year there were throngs of fans all trying to jam through the skywalk and mash on to filled train cars. Getting on to the train felt like boarding the titanic (more precicely getting off of the Titanic) in which all the carts were full.. It was GREAT. People continued to cheer all the way home... THere were chants in the skywalk, and discussions on the train (while we sat on the upperdeck floor because of the lack of seats).

Simply put if the fans stay, and the Jays make a good run, everyone will produce what could be a season similar to the great old days of the early 90's... And if not, its back to having the Jays to myself, where I can go and feel like Im the only one in the stadium. I like both sitautoins, but I prefer having fans, as its better for the team as a whole... And I like to think of myself as a team player. So good luck Jays, and thanks for a great start to what looks like the makings of a great season...

na na na na, na na na na, hey hey hey...

The official Blue Jay's Report for April 4th, 20006.
Aka. The HOME OPENER

Ok sports fans, so it's that time of year again. Yes, it's Blue Jay season. I have always went to Jays games, and even more important, I have always enjoyed Jays games. I love my Jays, like a crazy marriage obsessed girlfriend that wont go away does. I check the scores, I go to games, I buy their gear and wear it proudly... In short I'm a little bit of a Jays nut. Truth be told, for all of this interest in the Jay's I cannot hold up a competent and in depth conversation with a guy about the sport or team. I simply cant focus on the minor details that all boys love to regurgitate. I just like to watch and follow the games. I get excited when they win, and supportive when they lose. I defend them from angry Leafs fans, and I share in the excitment with other authentic Jays fans. This year there are may new fans (who can also be refered to as bandwagon jumpers). Yes I hated the fact that people who had previously shot down the jays and cut them to shreds, all of a sudden sent me messages now professing their love. In fact I went as far as cutting these new found fans to shreds (in my own head at least). After being at yesterdays home opener, however, changed this perspective. Sure it stinks that these fans have no loyalty to the team, and could potentially jump ship with the first Jays loss, but in all honnesty, its nice to have fans. The stadium was packed, the fans did the wave, and yelled random statements out to the players (some funny, some clevor, and some no so impressive at all) jerseys were purchased, and popcorn and beer were consumed. IT was great to have the full baseball experience back, even if the cost is a few too many bandwagon fans. If these fans start to leave, when they realize that even a winning and well possitioned Jays team will still have trouble beating out NY and Boston to make the play offs... all I have to say (chant) to them is this..

Na na na na... Na na na na.... Hey Hey Hey.. GOOD BYE!!

Cut short.. a room full of people, too much coffee and no sleep...

I remembered (more specifically found myself saying) another great phrase on the weekend... "Happy Camper". Aside from the slight memories of a person lost, and the close proximity with his friends (so so not a pleasant feeling) I was quite the happy camper this weekend. Or at least I was a happy camper at the beginning of the weekend. Sure it could have been more of a delieorious feeling confused as a happy one, but boy was it extreme. This extremeness can be attributed to the deadly (but surprisingly uplifting) combo of no sleep for over 48 hours and excessive amounts of coffee (intensified by the fact that I am still not a seasoned coffee drinker). I fear that a new addiction is in the makings. I still don't like coffee, and for what ever reason (possibly its association with stung out and stressed adults) I am heasitant to even admit that I drink the stuff. After watching myself act like a crazy woman, whose symptoms included the inability to sit still, and excessive and exagerated methods of speaking/conversations; I think I may need to ban coffee; at least in quantities exceeding one (1) medium cup.

On a side note. THe combination of coffee and seeing A2's friends at the orientation made me feel like a complete idiot. I couldn't stop myself. It brought out, and made me aware of all the insecurities I have developed over the years. YES to that! I find it funny that while you can be in a room filled with people who you both love and feel comfortable with, and yet the few who (not by their own actions or intentions... just association with someone) can rip that feeling of comfort away without even a glance. A2's friends were always nice, and even on the weekend, I never got a bad stare or any real reason to feel uncomfortable. I just felt uncomfortable on my own. I again, think it's funny that one person, can make you feel this. I wish things could just be normal, and that he would treat me like a normal friend. I guess we never were friends. All or nothing. Live and learn. THough I still dont know what my possition would be on the temp high vs long lasting mediocer (without the potential of experiencing what is in you to experience). I think the grass is always greener. THough if you spoke to me durring last August (a time in which even short glances brought about feelings of pure and innocent contentness and comfort) I would say that it was worth anything, even the loss of said feelings eventually.