Frustration sinks in..

Soo much has happened over the past two weeks. I'm back where I began. The only difference: my head feels like scrambled eggs. I spent so long trying trying to just focus on myself, and things were going pretty well... Then *bam* the sky falls, and its back to the beginning of the end. Why cant anything just go as planned? WHY OH WHY can't I be the relaxed and easy going girl that I know I am? I've been on edge for a year now, and I just can't seem to fix it. I feel like a puzzle with one piece missing, and the longer that piece goes unfound the more anxious and uneasy I get. I am taking this frustration out on all aspects of my life. Truthfully most people wouldnt notice this in my daily mannerisims or activities, but its there, and its getting bigger. The worst thing is that the bigger this anxiousness gets the less motivated I am to push myself forward. Here in lies the problem... Moving forward is key. Why is is that with anything else missing I could move forward with ease and advance at a relitivly rapid pace? Without this one thing though, all I can do is sit here and feel like I'm stuck, trapped forever? I never ever put so much value or thought or importance on this before, and yet now, at the point in which I'm supposed to be more developed, I just can't move on? And worse instead of putting myself out there, I act like a tool with a high pitched voice, and nothing of value to speak of to protect myself from the very thing I need. I am scared to get hurt again, scared to show the real me, for fear that the relaxed and easy going me is boaring, when in fact the fake me is just annoying and lacks any type of real substance. ARGH!!!

frustration begins

I've got one thing, and one thing only to say. Ok two things. First: I hate guys. I hate that they act strange and that they promise things to be nice (and then don't follow through) and then wonder why girls react the way that they do. What's wrong with being honnest and hurting someone? It's much better than being polite and indirectly driving them into the ground!! and Second: It's a great thing that in times of need, the people who are close to you really come through.. Be it by means of a random hug, or a random trip to a shopping mall to purchase lip gloss, followed by a much needed drink while watching the blue jays game. What stinks about this you ask? It's the fact that people (me) don't really appriciate these people or recognize just how important they are until these times.

I went to our first work party on SUnday (after watching the dirt bike all day)... it was quite the action packed day.. The party was fun, but not crazy... not like in years past.. I dont know if the party is getting slower or if Im jsut getting older and tire out before the night really gets going.. I went home at a respectable 1:30.. Happy to have gone and seen everyone out, but a lil sad not to have seen a certain someone out.. I just want to get the "hello's" out of the way.. I dont even care about the rest anymore.. just the "hello"..  

This was my fav picture from the night... Probably becuasue it was the only pictue where it wasnt just point and shoot at ppl standing there.. it was semi taken "in action" and semi staged... I guess theres just something I like about it.. its fun.. and I like that... hopefully the next party will be even bettter!Q 

My friend from work and I right by the mud hole, watching multiple people fall in to the mud hole.. which was soooooooooo much fun to see.. probably not as much fun to do after racing for about 2.5 hours.. 

I went to a dirt bike race on the weekend.. My friend from work's bf is big time into it... Watching the dirt bikeing made me want to be big time into it too... 

I got new board shorts which I am sadly in love with ... sadly this is the only picture I have to show of them, yes Im in a bathroom, just getting home (and ready to go to bed). 

Davey, another good guy friend of mine from work, got a puppy.. I have been begging to meet Maggie for weeks now.. I finally got to meet and play with her for an entire afternoon... It made for quite the fun day filled with hangin out by Davey's pool (puppy inclunded) followed up by some late night tennis (stopped only by the town lights which this summer shut off at 11:00 on the nose). 

J and I hut up the driving range.. I had purchased that golf shirt earlier with J.. He and I seem to be quite the good shopping/athletic buddies.. Funny thing is .... now that hes leaving, I'm realizing how much of an important part of my days hes become... and not in one of those now that I cant have you I wnat you ways.. we really have grown a lot as friends.. to the point where I really trust him and enjoy being around him...