You don't know me... Like you knew me..

Argh. Let me just say that. Again drawn back to thoughts of what once was, and what never will be, by some damn random comment, by the same old A (old, not the one from summer). I know now for sure that when you truly 100% like someone. Scratch that, love... yes love... It never goes away. My name on msn tonight was "I am NOT 19" and of course, seeing as we used to always joke about who looked younger, and the fact that I was 4 months older (not 5!) he felt the need to write me a little message. O.K. so I can honnestly say that my name was not bait for a random comment from him (those days are long since over). I wasnt tremendously surprised to see the lil light on my msn bar start to flash however.... What did surprise me was the comment, and even more so my instant reaction.... He said "I wish you were 19" to which I thought, "if that is all I need to maake things the way they were, than that too is my wish." I really do miss him. As a boyfriend yes, but more so as a friend. I dont think anyone has ever known me so well.. I sometimes wonder if anyone will know me like he did, or if I will know anyone as well as I knew him... I am jelous of the fact that he will probably know someone else better than he now knows me, and that that person will in turn get to see the side of him that I felt privledge to see/know. Im sure if I sat down and tried, I could write this better, and my words would seem like a song, so clever and so perfect, but that's not what comming out right now for whatever reason... I will always remember those nights in my car, and the way we could read eachother so well, that a single look, or the position in which we sat in the car, gave away far more than any words ever could. I miss the innocence... I miss the simplicity that I felt. I miss the fact that we could hang out for countless hours and just sit there like little puppies in a box. and I felt like a little puppy in a box... Nothing ever felt wrong with him, I never questioned our relationship.. . But in that statement, I also see our decline. He wants the one thing that I can never be, and he holds it above my head.. He alsmost dangles memories above me, saying "if only you were..." and I would be anything that I could be for him... but I cant be that. and so.. the innocence and the simplicity are replaced, with the complex relationship that sits before us... vicious circles... gotta love em... i know I wont ever get it back, but it's fun to remember.. painful yes, but nice to know I had someting that will remain special regardless of the complications that it caused...

Real Version: "Sometimes I think Im the only cab driver around" my version "Sometimes I think I'm the only cowboy in Rome"

I prefer my lyrics to the song. The difference in words does however, explain why I spent countless hours (without success) trying to find the name of that perticular song. Good thing I realized this before someone caught me singing along to the song.... Thiugh they would have to catch me, as I struggle to sing in front of real people.

I, again, havent posted in a while. I am tired all the time, and still feel rather numb. There are periods where this numbness is taken away. The problem is that I haven't solved the deep rooted problem, and in stead have resorted to quick solutions like eating excessive amounts of chocolate, buying summer clothes, listening to new music, and (now) complaining about it on the internet. I must admit that one of the nice by-products of this despearte attempt at temp happiness is the discovery of the most comfortable hoodie that I have seen/worn in a long time. The "Clemson" hoodie has reason to be worried, as it could be knocked down to the rank of 2nd fav hoodie. Hoodies are fab, like corn fields and country music they give me that warm comfortable, feel safe anywhere kinda feeling. They are me, the true me.

Some good things have happened. I am happier at work. I don't mind the job as much. I have made plans to go to London with my "grounded" friends, which will be a good time regardless of where we end up or what we end up doing. I talked to an old friend and made plans to climb the CN tower in the spring, which I am very excited about. I also foudn the most amazing pair of Carebear socks (I got 3 pairs, one Im giving to a friend though). I got tickets to go see Oasis ( a concert that I tried and failed to see last summer). I am not the biggest Oasis fan, but I love live music, and their old an classic songs, are fun to sing. I have grown an addiction for buying random "animal" candy apples. I have never eaten the candy apples myself. SO far I have gotten 2 reindeer ones for Kelly and SUha at Christmas, as well as a bunny and a beaver, as well as a regular red candy apple (all for other friends). My addiction to mini eggs has returned again (with the easter season). This is good as it reminds me that some things about myself will never change, regardless of my state of mind. No one can take away my mini egg addiction, where each person who sells them to me eventually feels compelled to comment at the rapid rate in which the number of packs I buy a day is increasing.

I think I am still uneasy because of a number of reasons. The main one though is that I think I still feel like things are unresolved with A. I think knowing that if I were to attempt to resolve things that there is no way to come out without looking crazy, and essentially comming out worse than I started. While I obviously still like him and am still stuck at this point, I realize that we wont end up "dating". What I really want is just to know that he knows that I liked him (which I think he does), and that that is ok, and that it does not go beyond that, there are no more expectatons on my part, no more attachment will occur. I want him to be at the point where if he does see me around he can say "hi", without fearing that I will chase him like the crazy girl that I believe he believes me to be. (say that 5 times fast). I wish there were an uncrazy way to say "hey, I liked you. yes I become way too attached and way too optomistic to see that all I was to you was a summer thing. Yes you were right that distance doesnt work. Yes we only hung out for a couple of weeks, and I should have known that it wouldnt last. Yes I knew it wouldnt last, but I am not the temp kinda girl, I cant allow myself to be myself around someone when there are time restraints (the old A taught me that there is too much risk, too much to lose, for such a temp high) yes I called you longer than I should have, and yes deep down I knew I should stop. But I liked the feeling of likeing someone again. I liked the fact that I could truley and innocently like someone other than the other a. " I wish I could say "Im sorry for making you feel aquard around me. Im sorry for making you feel like you can't say "hi" to me when you see me, without me expecting a relationship or a phone call or an advancment of some kind in reutrn." I WISH A "HELLO" COULD JUST BE A "HELLO" BETWEEN US AGAIN. and I wish that we could talk about the Jays, and how they are going to have an amazing team this year, and that our investment in jays hats was the best investment ever, or recomend a movie like "Lord of War" or "Crash" or "Chronicles of Narnia". Or taht I could ask about his school, sports, life without it seeming like I had alterior motives. Or tell him that "Tequilla makes her clothes fall off" is a great song. WHY ARE PEOPLE SO COMPLEX? and why does the only solution to this problem seem to be to let it go? To let myself appear as "Crazy" to a peroson who I truly do care about, who I turly do respect and wish the best for? IT stinks, and I think my frusteration with this fact, is why I am mentally draining myself. I have always been the girl who isnt crazy, who sees things clearly, and who handles (the only one Ive had so far other than whatever this is) breakups well. Why, is it when I actually try to make things ok, and actually put some effort int maintaing a decent friendship that it crumbles to pieces, and with others (who I do care about but to a much lesser extent) I can maintain and actaully have a friendship flourish without the least of effort. Is not caring and appearing completely indifferent the only way to go? Argh. I need to move on, and allow this situation to die. Hopefully at least then I will lose the crazyness that has invaded my brain, the cost (which is far more than I would have liked) is payable, and comes (I should say came, as Ihave already payed it) in the form of a lost friendhip/relationship. I would do anyting to fix this, but anything will in essance only make matters worse. Live and learn.

On a side note, I realiezed last week that I am now scared of doorbells. This combined with my fear of the phone, led to quite the conundrum last week (but that is another story). I think it must be some form of a fear related to things that ring. Food for thought.

5 year olds at country bars...

I haven't written on here in a while. A while meaning over a week *I believe*. I'm not sure if my absence on this page has been because I've been busy (with gym, work, friends) or if I got caught up in a cycle; in which yammering on and on about the same thing with different words, just didn't fit in. I still feel lost. I still feel like an important part of myself is missing. I think going through cycles like the one I was just in (and not yammering on and on) allows me to temp forget that there's something that needs to be fixed. Maybe I hope that by not thinking about it, it will in esssance fix itself. It will fix itself without thought, if my patterns change. I esentially have to stop trying to produce a person whom I believe others what to see, and instead, be myself, which is who I want to be. My hair is going back to blonde, my eyebrows are growing in, and I stopped myself from buying an exessivly expensive pair of jeans ($300) .. Id say that's a good start.
I worry way too much what others think, when in essance I deep down don't care at all. I care what others think not because I want to impress them, or appear superior, but because I want them to be happy, and I want to be liked. Everyone wants to be liked. This is a normal human condition. In the end though (it took me 3 attempts to type that "though" correctly) not everyoen is going to be happy, and not everyone is going to like you, if you are yourself. I tend to morph myself to fit others, which makes it a lot easier to make everyone happy. In the end I have learned that the people whom I like being with the most, would probably be happier if I put my foot down on certain issues instead of always bending to make things easier, even if we do clash on occation. Grow a backbone I must, but without losing my "easygoingness".

I bought tickets for some crazy concet in April. Im going with my brother and his friend. I believe there is going to be a lot of "screaming music" there. I have heard most of the groups that are playing. I like their stuff. Most of their stuff. Ok, some of their stuff (alot) and some not so much. It will be an experience. I believe it will end up like this: My brother and his friend in the mosh pit all night. Me in the corner trying not to get hurt by all the people jumping up and down and ramming into eachother. I have been in a mosh pit once. I stayed for 3 songs, after which I realized that my focus was on staying standing and not getting trampled as opposed to the live music which I had come to see. I ended up in the corner, hapily leaning agains a wall listening to music. THe group was Weezer (blue album tour). yes this was most likely a low-key mosh pit. The april concert wont be so gentle I imagine. My "old person" corner possition will suit me just fine.

I'm going to Nash on the weekend as well. I don't know why, but this place makes me forget everything. Country in genereal just makes me happy like nothing else. I just wanna jump up and down the whole time. Its honneslty like Im 5 years old again, and there are no problems, and everything is simple, I dont care who is watchign, Im not there to meet boys, and really dont care if Im the only one there. The friends who I go with are great too, theyre there with the same perspective: just there to be there. I think thats a great thing. I am absolutly terrible at the line dancign, always looking at someone else to learn the steps (I have learnt before) and occationally if you watch me you will notice that I am constantly losing my balance. Basically if someone standing beside me were to take their weakest finger and poke me on the shoulder, Id go crashing down onto the floor. I still love it. And if I look like an idiot, thats fine because this idiot is having a great time....

There's noting but time and a face to lose....

In an attempt to be healthy (no not for some silly new years resolution that I will not keep) on a temporary basis I have taken up drinking water. I say this like I just joined a team or something. In truth this "healthy venture" was started up after watching all my co-workers drink what seemed like endless buckts of whater. Now my room is littered with empty Nestly "Pure Life" water bottles. Thank's guys! I think also thanks to this new "venture" I have ingested a small lake. Definitly more water than a pond, but not quite enough to say Lake Ontario or an ocean. That would take a year of pure dedication. Dedication that I do not have the motivation to maintain. The drinking of water won't last, I'd actually be surprised if it went on past the weekend. Then my room can go back to displaying it's normal array of coke cans and bottles. It does feel nice to do something that is actually considered positive for my health.

On another topic. A topic slightly more serious than the drinking of small lakes out of "Nestle Pure Life" bottles. I think I've concluded that my life has become stagnent. In allowing my life to become stagnent I have allowed myself to slip into a daze in which I am actually kind of sad, but I cant/wont admit it. I'm still in the aftermath of September and I should not be. Gosh who knew the month of august and the extreme happpiness it gave me would be so damn expensive in the long run. I'd still do it again, but gosh I want to be happy again. I actuallly just want to be myself again, as taht is happy to me. I don't liek my job, and I'm tired all the time because of this job that I dont like. 3 months left to go and then I can find a new job, which should help, but Im not waiting 3 months to be happy, I can only sit in this unconcious state for so long before I willl go crazy. A friend of mine had a very similar year. Lucky for her shes only 19 and has years and years of being a kid left before she reaches my "puma" state. She has a blog that people actual read. Imagine that! People reading what is written, now there's an idea! Anyways, (focus) she went through every month and concluded that a) she had come away with nothing from the year. I contest this. She made new friends, fell in like (love is just such a scarry word) and yes she got hurt, but damn it was good while it lasted, she finnished her first year of university. I'd say it was really a good year for her. Why do we always sell ourselves short (myself included)? I actually think this was a great year for myself. It was in the very least a productive year in which a lot of tasks were accomplished. Yes I lost more than I would have liked (silly boys and their way to stand out) but it was a risk I took and I'd take it again. Ok now on to her advice (I told you I needed to focus) She said that what she learned this year was thtat mistakes will be made, and things may not turn out, but life is long enough that there will always be other chances and new events in which things can be tried again. She also went on to say that she had prayed for time to pass quickly at certain points throughout the year, and that it was more important in the end to slow down and enjoy things while they lasted. I am definlty guilty of praying to the time lords for time to fly by, and I've found various methods to accomplish this task. If, for instance, you get into a set routien day after day, time flys by as it's all the same. This comes with a huge price. The price is a numbness that slowly invades your system. Nothing stands out, nothing is ever new, yes there is no regression, but there is also no advancment. So in conclusion, while I may be a couple years older than my friend, I too am adopting the idea that even the rough times deserve their chance to be "enjoyed" and simply roads of cycle days and the numbness that they bring should be avoided, as its hard to slow down once youve sped up. After all the only thing youre really losing in the end is time and a face, and there's nothing you can do about that. May as well enjoy it while you have it!

S and I having sushi.. Ive had it a ton of times, but her and i both spit out this one kind... it was definitly not for us.. put it in a napkin and then in a bowl.. ha ha 

Kelly and I for our big new years eve.. Ie. Sushi at 7:00 followed by movies at s's house, and then movies at kellys.. and of course Pj's and hoodies all around. 

Kelly and me upon arrival at the site of the Polar Bear Dip festivities... LOVE the hat.. 

The whole crew waiting in line prior to the plunge.. Good old random guy from the line "DO you mind taking a picture of Megan and I?" took this picture of us.. He's a good photographer.. what is it with new years and weird people and pictures... meh Im sure he was nice.. Im weird and Im nice.. thats enough evidence for me..  

gettin ready for the run out into the freezing water.. Kelly kept pointing me towards cameras (we had 3 people taking pictures) I had no clue what was going on..  

This is a picture of the actual dip.. I look like a bird with my arms flapping out to the side.. Truthfully it was to prevent myfelf from falling in the oh so polluted water.. 

In my truck post dip.. feet were a big priorityame in quite handy!.. Notice our matching socks provided by me! 

Oh so proud with my Polar Bear Dip certificate.. just gotta remember to write my name in there.. ha ha 

Post Polar Bear Timmy's trip for cookies and flavoured coffee with the whole crew.. 

After the dip we got towles from our fab spotters.. they took good care of us!